Maura By Any Other Name
by Coke Cam
Summary: When Jane Rizzoli swept the new medical examiner off her feet, she had promised lifelong love, devotion and family. But after six happy years together, the question of children can no longer be avoided and Maura begins to realize that there are some things you can't learn out of a book…like how to be a mother. (COMPLETE)
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This story deals with some difficult family issues and decisions. I really hate getting specific in these things because I feel it gives away plot development, but if you have any concerns or triggers related to adoption/conception, please message me and I'd be happy to talk. Also, I do tend to include my personal life in fiction but I may have taken that to new heights here, so please feel free to offer whatever you'd like but bear that in mind. :-)

For JiminyRizzles, from the prompt "imagine your OTP building a pillow fort." Then it took a hard left turn at Albuquerque.

* * *

Maura Rizzoli-Isles slowly raised her arms in a sweeping arc to the ceiling, drawing in a deep, cleansing breath. The late afternoon light that filtered through the upstairs window of the yoga room was warm and comforting against her back and arms until her calm exhale abruptly cut short in at the sound of two car doors slamming outside.

Maura quickly stepped across to the window and glanced down at her cell phone resting on the ledge, confirming that they were thirty minutes early. That precious half hour had been set aside for a hot shower, the time to change and apply more than a hasty swipe of lipstick, and was now lost to the impending invasion.

Pressing her fingertips to the window pane, Maura felt the warmth of the summer air through the glass as she looked down into the street. Her wife's familiar form, all lean sinews and that unmistakable hair, was moving methodically around the perimeter of her parked sedan. A young boy with dirty blonde crew cut, jeans-clad in an oversized Red Sox t-shirt and new Converse sneakers, ducked down by the far wheel well. He would be eight years old in a month, but already Jimmy No-Last-Name knew more about hiding than any child ever should.

"I just saw him," Jane said loudly, pretending to search under the car. "Maybe I need to bring in some backup." She kept up the patter as she continued to search, always careful to stay just a few steps behind as Jimmy crept ahead of her around the car in their game of hide and seek.

At least that was what Maura thought it should be called; she was never sure where children's games were concerned. When she was six, she had asked for _Operation_ for Christmas and been stunningly disappointed when she opened the box. A few years later, when she had committed Goren's _Contract Bridge for Beginners_ to memory, she had capably played the dummy hand when her parents had friends from the foundation over for dinner, and eventually she mastered the mathematical principles of the game but never misleading bids or the polite social banter.

Later at boarding school, even when carefully matched with girls of similar background, intellect and interest, it had been difficult for Maura to find friends. She had preferred to remain safely indoors while her schoolmates sat out in the sun on blankets in the open quad, laughing as much as they studied. Looking down at them from the upstairs nook in the library's south wing, she had wondered if they thought she was as odd as she had felt.

Three decades later and nothing had changed.

The sliver of an ache began in Maura's chest she saw Jane allow herself to be caught by Jimmy. The detective pretended to be surprised as the boy tugged and growled and clung to one leg like a bear cub. Jane finally let herself to be wrestled to the ground where they laughed and tumbled until she fought her way back to her feet with Jimmy clinging to her back. They looked almost exactly as they had three weeks ago when Jane had carried the boy out of the abandoned apartment building, an unexpected discovery in the search for a drug dealer connected to four deaths. His tiny arms clung to her neck, his legs wrapped as far around her slender waist as he could manage.

"Hang on, buddy—you got it?" Jane called over her shoulder as she started to jog down the sidewalk, weaving between parked cars. Maura felt herself tense involuntarily as if to call out to be careful, but Jimmy spotted the approaching taxi first.

"Drizzle, look out, Drizzle!"

Jane ducked back onto the sidewalk, a willing horse to his cowboy, and began a mock race against the cab back up the street and to their door. Maura watched as she pulled up to a slow halt and let the boy slip down off Jane's back, but he maintained a death grip on her khakis. Their voices were quieter now and Maura couldn't read lips, although she had always thought she should learn, but she easily read the sense of what Jane said—was that fun? Did you have a good time? Are you hungry yet?

_Yes, Drizzle_ was the answer to each question accompanied by a vigorous nod.

Maura had never had a nickname before, unless Maura the Bore-a counted, and Jane said it didn't. In the confusion at the demolition site when Jane had rescued him, the boy had overheard one of the uniforms refer to Jane as Det. Rizzoli-Isles. He had done his best to repeat the name, but somehow Drizzle was all that emerged. Jane had glared at Frost and Korsak over Jimmy's head but it was too late and by the end of shift the nickname had spread throughout the entire precinct.

Jane glanced up to the second floor window and grinned when she spotted Maura watching. For some reason that Maura couldn't understand, it made her flinch as if she shouldn't have been intruding on some private moment. Jane motioned with one hand, urging her to come down and join them but she smiled instead, gesturing at herself as if to say she was a mess and that she would see them inside.

There was no time for a shower Maura realized, no time to collect her now scattered thoughts as her house, her castle, was being breached. She barely had time to fingercomb her hair back and gather it up again in a hairband, then make it down the stairs to the kitchen. She could hear Jane talking excitedly just beyond the door and Jimmy's high-pitched voice answering. There was no knock, simply the explosion of the door opening and their laughter as they spilled into the kitchen.

"Didja see how close I was? I was really close!"

"You were awesome," Jane praised the boy. "You threw it half a mile, easy." Maura had to step back out of the way as they came stumbling in, Jane's arms full of grocery bags and Jimmy tagging at her heels. "Whoa, easy, bud!"

Maura barely managed to catch one of the bags as it began to tip. As she had feared, it was filled with frozen dinners and pre-packaged foods, not the fresh organic items she had carefully noted on the list she had sent with Jane. She was accustomed to finding a few stray items after each grocery run—double-stuff Oreos, wing-flavored potato chips and the occasional jar of fluff—but this looked like a prescription for malnutrition.

To top it off, there was a half-gallon carton of something called ChocoBlast Surprise that had begun to leak from one seam, and it didn't take a homicide detective to know why that was. The lid had been pried back (hopefully after purchase) and there were several deep gouges where ice cream had been scooped out. The evidence was all over Jimmy's chin as well as Jane's shirt front.

"Jane…"

Maura stopped as soon as she said it, realizing how plaintive her own voice sounded. Jimmy had paused in mid-exclamation and was looking up at her, mouth half-open. His muddy green-brown eyes flickered between her and Jane, trying to determine just how much trouble he was in.

The DCF representative had explained carefully to them both that Jimmy would need a calm, nurturing environment with a minimum of conflict, at least until he had time to stabilize and be placed in a permanent home. Since Jane found him cowering in the back of a decaying closet crawlspace there was an understandable bond that had formed as he imprinted on her as the only one he could trust. At the station when Jane had tried to turn him over to DCF, he had begun a distressed keening sound that rapidly escalated to a frantic scream until she agreed to take custody while DCF searched for Jimmy's family. And like a pacifier in a baby's mouth, he had instantly calmed when Jane put her arms around him and asked if he wanted to come home with her.

Maura knew exactly how he felt.

Looking down at the nervous boy, Maura quickly put on a bright smile as if she had been teasing instead of calculating the odds that she would find ice cream smeared all over the car's interior.

"ChocoBlast is my favorite," she said enthusiastically. (That wasn't a lie actually; anything that involved chocolate was better than something without it.) "I hope you left some for me."

"Oh yeah." Jane was grinning in relief. "Little man got kinda snacky on the way home."

"I completely understand," Maura said. "I've been known to unpeel a banana or two in the car after a run."

What was intended humorous banter, an effort to join in, failed utterly as Jimmy stared up at her in disbelief. Something in his face seemed to say, _Why in the world would anyone do that on purpose?_

Again, three decades later and nothing had changed.

Panicked, Maura blurted, "A medium-sized banana contains more than 11% of an adult's recommended daily potassium intake."

"I can't say I was worried about that." Jane's smirk made her feel better if only for the familiarity of the response. "What about you, bud? You feel potassium deprived?"

Jimmy solemnly shook his head but seemed more relaxed now that Jane was back in the conversation.

"I hope you're hungry," Maura tried again. "For dinner, we have pasta with butternut squash and goat cheese roasted in breadcrumbs and…it's…yummy," she trailed off at the expression on Jimmy's face.

"Hey, what do you say?" Jane nudged the boy with a look that suggested that they had rehearsed this part earlier.

"Thank you."

"Thank you what?" Jane whispered out the corner of her mouth. Her eyebrows were dancing like a conductor's baton.

"Thank you, ma'am." Jimmy said it with such dutiful precision that Maura felt her own appetite begin to shrink. He hated it, of course he did, but why? It was one of the nicest recipes she knew that wouldn't require two hours of preparation. And it had pasta—didn't all children love pasta? That was what Jane had told her.

"You're welcome." The words felt thick and awkward to Maura and she could only imagine how Jimmy felt. "But we don't have to eat now," she offered. "If you're not hungry, we can wait, although research indicates that eating smaller meals throughout the day helps the body's digestive processes." Jimmy stared at her blankly and even Jane seemed a little lost. "Whenever you're hungry," she finished lamely.

"Drizzle?" Jimmy was looking up at Jane, two fingers tugging at the pocket of her khakis. Maura wondered if he would ever come up with a name for her or if she would go on being 'ma'am' forever. She supposed that would depend on how long he was going to stay and that was a question she had yet to work up the courage to ask. "Can I got to my room? Please."

Jane nodded, squeezing the boy's shoulder. "Sure, but take your shoes off. I'll be up in a couple minutes, OK? Hey, slow down!" She leaned to one side so she could watch him clatter up the stairs until his now bare feet were out of sight. When Jane turned back, her face was still glowing with exertion, contentment and something else. It wasn't that Maura didn't recognize the emotion, but a name carried power and if she acknowledged the situation that would make it real somehow, even though it already was.

Jane Rizzoli, her best friend and lover, her wife of six years, had given her heart to someone else.

"You should've seen him at the park. As long as he could see me, he was good with playing on his own, and he shared the swings with some girls." Jane hugged her impulsively and Maura found herself nearly crushed against Jane's shoulder. Truthfully, she would have liked nothing more than to respond, letting her palms skim upwards over the familiar BPD t-shirt that stretched across her wife's back and then pull her down for a long welcome home kiss, but that would lead to thoughts that they couldn't follow through on just now. How anyone managed to conceive more than one child was absolutely beyond her.

"It sounds like you two had fun." Maura knew that was a safe enough thing to say. It was obvious to anyone, even someone as inexperienced with children as she was. With one eye on the stairs, she allowed herself to sink just a little into the embrace, then closed her eyes and inhaled the scents that lingered on Jane's skin from their time at the park—sunshine, cut grass, and SPF 50.

"Yeah, we hung out by the ball fields and Summer League is wrapping up. Some of the pitchers were warming up so we watched for a while. They overthrew one and Jimmy just pounced on the ball when it came our way. He was shy at first, y'know, wanting me to throw it back, but the guys were calling for him to do it. You should've seen him," Jane beamed.

Maura nodded, trying desperately to show an interest in something she could hardly visualize.

"He threw so hard he put himself flat on the ground and the big kids were cheering and he just grinned. D'you think he's put on weight? Can we put him on the scale? The doctor said he needs…"

Maura had been trying, unsuccessfully, to get Jane's attention. "I was there, yes, I remember. Of course you can, but he's going to be fine. He's certainly not in the top percentile for his cohort, but at the rate you're feeding him he's going to catch up in no time."

"Tomorrow I'm gonna go by the sporting goods store and pick up a glove. I know," Jane said before Maura could protest. "I know, I promised to go easy on presents, I didn't forget. It'll be from Frankie, how about that?"

"I'm sure Jimmy would love that, but first we…"

"And then if he likes it maybe he can get into the Fall League. He's too old for tee-ball, but he's got good coordination, he could pick it up."

Maura gently pulled away. She had been trying tread lightly but Jane, good detective that she was, wasn't picking up on the polite clues. She had no experience with children but she knew her wife well enough to see what was going on. Life in the Rizzoli family meant fighting for what you wanted. _Consensus_ was a word from a vocabulary quiz, forgotten as soon as the paper was turned in. To survive, Jane simply went after what she wanted. Begging forgiveness after the fact was easier than asking permission, and Maura had to admit that the approach had worked out beautifully where their own relationship was concerned. She still felt her heart miss a beat when she remembered how Jane had courted and claimed her without a trace of doubt that they were anything but destined for each other. But they were facing a situation now that they needed to be in agreement on, together, and Jane had already made up her mind—it was up to Maura to be the one to disagree. There was a phrase that perfectly suited what Maura needed to do, one that Det. Frost had taught her. She was about to open a can of worms.

She took a deep breath. "Fall League would presume that he's still going to be here in the fall."

Jane shrugged as she began unpacking groceries and kept her eyes down. If Maura had needed any further confirmation, here it was: Jane never did housework except as an unspoken plea for forgiveness, and that had for the most part been successful, but this wasn't spilled beer on the carpet or a red sock mixed in with a load of (very expensive) delicates. This was a child's life, an abandoned little boy that no one had come looking for in 23 days, and now Jane Rizzoli wanted him. She wanted him more than she had ever wanted anything in her life except perhaps Maura herself.

Maybe more.

"Jane."

"I mean, I know we have to let him choose, no pressure." Jane's voice was muffled from inside the freezer as she crammed in one box after another. "But he seems really interested. Have you noticed anything else he's into?"

"Jane."

"Drawing maybe? He likes to doodle. Did you see the one of Bass? I think it was Bass."

Jane had emerged from the freezer and stood with the door still open behind her, cold air pouring out as she pointed to the raggedly torn piece of notebook paper magneted to the pristine stainless steel surface. There was an unsteady circle drawn there with four stick legs and no sign of a head. Maura would have given anything to be able to do just that and safely withdraw into her shell, but that simply wasn't an option.

"We need to talk."

Jane shrugged. "What about?" Her eyes were wide, smile too broad, and Maura could see her pulse moving erratically at her throat. Three weeks ago she would have taken Jane's hands, pulled her to the couch, soothed her distress and kissed her pulse until it was racing for a different reason entirely, but now all Maura could do was move towards her with lead feet and an even heavier heart.

"I think you know."

A muscle flinched along Jane's jaw line and her eyes flickered away, then returned. Maura had braced herself for defiance, evasion, and even anger, but not the depth of desperation she found.

"Please," Jane whispered. "Please don't ask me to send him back."

* * *

A/N:

I'm not a professional psychologist. All I can do as a writer is make things as plausible as I can and let the characters and events play out from there. When I was ten years old, I was in a situation that was…let's call it "not good". I had to call 911 and hide in a closet until the police arrived. When the first officer came through the door, I superglued myself to him. I can still feel the imprint of his utility belt against the side of my face. I would have married him right then if they'd let me. (Being the stubborn person I am, I just grew up and married a different cop.) So I'm certainly not an authority, but I have some glimmer of how rapidly and deeply a bond could form between Jane and a child under the right circumstances. Now let's see what happens…


	2. Chapter 2

Det. Jane Rizzoli-Isles wanted children.

Maura had known this from that first night years ago when she had accepted the detective's seemingly casual invitation to grab dinner after work. She was new to the department and was flattered to find friendly, welcoming co-workers. Their relationship had gone from easy work camaraderie to fast friendship even before the food had reached the table. Maura, who rarely shared anything more personal than her opinions on food, fashion and forensic science, found herself drawn out by Jane's natural charisma.

"Oh yeah," Jane had said enthusiastically. "I know it's rough with this job, but I want kids. At least three."

Frowning, Maura had considered how to reply. "How would you manage that with your career?"

"I dunno," Jane shrugged. "I'll figure it out when I meet the right person."

"Social conventions are more favorable to the male partner remaining actively employed, even in a dangerous occupation such as law enforcement, while the female partner engages in nurturing."

Jane rolled her eyes as she drained the last of her beer and signaled for another. "Are you telling me to quit my job?"

"No," Maura said earnestly. "Just that it would be easier if you had a wife."

Jane burst out laughing, her head tilting back as she stretched one arm along the back of the booth at the Dirty Robber (a name that Maura found somewhat disconcerting). "You're a genius, you know that?"

"Yes," Maura said modestly. "My mother had me tested."

Jane shook her head, still laughing. "OK, genius. What about you—do you want kids?"

Instinctively, Maura had known that the question was more than idle conversation. While she hadn't realized then that she was already in love—for a genius, she could be incredibly slow at times—something in her hesitated and shied away from her usual answer, that her career came first and she couldn't consider children now, perhaps not ever. Instead, as if watching herself in an out of body experience, Maura heard herself say:

"I love children."

It wasn't a lie—she really did. Their curiosity, wonder and innocence were fascinating, but she hadn't yet considered what it would be like to have one actually inside her own home.

"You're perfect." Jane had uttered the words in an almost dreamy manner, then smiled at her in a way that made Maura think she was missing something and whatever it was must be wonderful. "I mean, that's great. Hey, I want you to meet my family—lunch, Sunday? They're gonna love you."

Maura had been too flattered by the invitation itself to understand the significance of being invited home to meet the family so soon after their first date. (Of course, she hadn't understood that's what Jane's dinner invitation was either, something that had become a source of running jokes for years afterwards.) It was impossible though not to be drawn in by Jane's enthusiasm which made anything seem like a good idea, from home microbrews to fantasy football. (Maura still had no idea what the big deal was about it, but following a sensible mathematical model had allowed her to win the office league three years running.) Everything in her world was changing, but so quickly that she didn't have a chance to be frightened or reconsider as her carefully controlled environment, devoid of risk, change or chance, shattered into a beautiful kaleidoscope.

Maura Isles had come to life.

As weeks followed, then months and years, every dream had come true, just as Jane had promised her, even the ones she hadn't known she had. Jane had a self-assurance and certainty that Maura found both seductive and comforting. She knew exactly what she wanted—Maura, for them to be together and build a life. And now… Maura steeled herself for what she needed to say. All her wife was asking for now was the same support of her own dreams in return, and Maura had to be the one to tell her that there was a problem.

"Sweetheart…no. I'm not asking you to send Jimmy to foster care." She kept her eyes steady on Jane's, not flinching in the face of so much fear and uncertainty. "I want what's going to be best for him. And for us."

"We agreed we'd see how it goes," Jane said stubbornly. "One day at a time. You can't decide if something's working or not without putting in the time."

"True." Maura kept her voice guarded, not wanting to trigger Jane's defenses any more than she already had. "But he's been with us for three weeks which is long enough to make some general conclusions."

Jane closed the freezer door and sat down heavily on one of the bar stools, elbows on the marble top counter. "Foster care sucks, how about that?"

Maura smiled. "That's a given, Jane, not a conclusion. The blood tests indicated the body they found with Jimmy was a female relative but not his mother. Has Jimmy said anything else that would help you find his family?"

"Kid's like a vault." Jane had to grin ruefully at that. "Nothing more than what we put together in the first 48. The woman with him, an aunt I guess, was a junkie, took him to her shoot-up spot, OD'd and he stayed with the body for nearly a week. God knows who else was crawling around in that building and what he saw, but he was too scared to try to find his way out. He might've died if we hadn't raided the building."

Maura sat on the stool next to Jane, happy just to have the conversation started. With any luck, the forgotten frozen foods on the counter would melt and she could go back to the store herself this time.

"Has Frost been able to trace any of the evidence recovered at the scene?"

"Yeah, but every lead's gone cold. The receipt for Cokes and chips Jimmy was living on came from a gas station around the corner. The camera at the register shows the victim there with Jimmy, but she paid with cash and the attendant didn't recognize her. Can't find the kid in the system anywhere, no school records but he can read, no prints, dental, nothing, and he's not saying shit. Crap, sorry, I mean, crap."

"It certainly indicates he's not dumb. Perhaps homeschooled?" Maura had meant it lightly, but Jane was in no frame of mind to joke

"Yeah, you said he was bright. What's it called, Stratford-Beignet?"

"Stanford Binet," she sighed. "The standard intelligence assessment tool. And yes, on paper he's very, very bright, but more importantly he's street smart, as you would say. He's probably never had a stable home before and he's not going to do anything to jeopardize his situation now. Evolutionarily speaking, staying quiet is the smartest thing he could do."

"Thank you, Dr. Darwin."

"Has he said anything that would help in finding his aunt's dealer?"

Jane's face hardened, which at least was a change from desperate. "Nope. My guess is that Jimmy thinks if he describes the guy and we pick him up, then either he'll get hurt or something about all this will change and he'll have to leave. But we need that guy, Maur—whoever he's dealing for is supplying dirty heroin. We've had two more deaths this week but no leads back up the chain. Jimmy's really starting to trust me and if he could open up then we could save some lives. But if we move him to another home, it could send him back to square one or worse. You were there, you saw."

The chances of Maura ever forgetting the numb, terrified look on the little boy's face when Jane had carried him out of the tenement were precisely zero. Jane had tried to set him down on the trunk of the cruiser so Maura could examine him and had found herself nearly strangled as he burrowed against her, locking his fingers into her hair.

"Ow, ow, ow," Jane had gritted. After a good minute she managed to exchange her hand for her hair and settled for her fingers being squeezed bloodless.

"Wimp," Maura had chuckled under her breath.

Jane snorted and leaned close, just outside her ear. "It's a lot more fun when you're the one pulling my hair."

Maura had turned a bright pink and then firmly put the image out of her head as she assessed the boy's vitals and waited for her own to return to normal.

That moment three weeks ago, she realized glumly, was the last time they had connected on any kind of intimate level. Suddenly Jane's every waking moment was occupied with Jimmy, and rightfully so. The boy wasn't trouble on purpose but he had a way of getting into things, and Maura had a lot of things, most of them expensive and breakable. And, most significantly, the longest that Jimmy had managed to stay in his own bed after Jane tucked him in was 23 minutes. Inevitably a shadow, noise or nightmare would send him creeping down the hall to the master bedroom where he would politely tug on Drizzle's pajama sleeve and ask if he could sleep in the closet. There was no question of that of course; Jane would turn back the covers and let the frightened boy press against her until his ragged breathing eased and he drifted into sleep curled in the hollow of Jane's body.

But that was Maura's place. She was supposed to be the little spoon.

Guiltily shoving aside the selfish impulse, Maura tried to marshal her thoughts. "Yes," she agreed. "We shouldn't do anything that would jeopardize Jimmy's progress, but attachments become stronger over time. If he has family or is going to another home, then that transition is going to be more painful and difficult if the roots here have been growing in a permanent way."

"He's a kid," Jane protested. "You can't tell him not to get attached."

Maura swallowed. "Actually, I meant you."

After a seemingly endless silence, Jane slowly moved around the kitchen island to stand in front of her. "You're worried about me?" Her smile, always beautiful, was even more radiant for how unexpected it was. "How'd I get so lucky?"

_Lucky? _

Jane had never asked Maura what had brought her out to the abandoned tenement the day they found Jimmy. The cascading events of the day had washed everything else aside including that most basic question. _Why did you come looking for me, Maura? What couldn't you ask on the phone? What couldn't wait until I came back to the station?_

Lucky was the last word she would have used.

"Speaking of lucky…" Jane let her hands run gently up Maura's arms, stopping to squeeze her shoulders. "You're right. I'm getting attached. Jimmy is just everything I wanted in a kid, well, except for the nightmares but we're working on that." Her expression began to shift with cautious hope. "Maybe things happen for a reason. Maybe I found Jimmy because he needs us and we need him. We tried in vitro, the couple of surrogates we contacted scared the crap out of me, and we put in applications with agencies but nothing panned out. It's not so different doing it this way, is it?"

But it was.

Maura had no idea how to explain, but it had been the image of a baby with Jane's chin, her eyes and that same beautiful wild spirit that had filled her dreams. She had longed for the anticipation itself and all the shared family rituals she never had that would be measured out over nine months as her stomach slowly rounded with life. Maura needed at least that long to read all the essential books to have any hope of being a good mother, not simply have the title handed to her pre-packaged, a fait accompli.

And just as she had suspected, the last three weeks had proved all her fears were well founded. Everything that Maura said seemed to fall flat, even more than usual, but she didn't understand why. Jimmy had asked her what made the sky blue—what was she supposed to say other than to explain the Rayleigh scattering model? All juice boxes contained essentially the same ingredients—one cartoon mascot over another couldn't make them taste any different so they should buy the cheapest one. And if you were going to stay inside on a beautiful day and watch television, it should at least be something educational—PBS was on channel 5.

But Jane knew exactly what she was doing, as if she had been born with the instruction manual printed inside her eyelids. She knew which sneakers were the coolest, which snacks tasted best; she knew how to spin a basketball, cut a deck of cards with one hand, make shadow puppets fight on the wall, and produce an earsplitting whistle by sticking her pinkies in her mouth. Parenting came naturally to Jane, perfectly suited to it with her infectious enthusiasm, tenderness and ferocious loyalty. Maura, for all her intelligence and social graces, was hopelessly lost. For the first time in her life, she was failing and failing badly.

"Hey." Jane was cupping the side of her face, drawing her up and back to the present. "The only idea I'm married to here is being with you," she said carefully. "But if we can't find Jimmy's family, what would you think about asking if he wants to stay?"

"It's obvious that he adores you," Maura said haltingly. "And that you feel the same. I'm…I'm just not certain how he feels about…"

_Me. He doesn't like me._

Three decades later, nothing had changed.

Jane was waiting—so patient, so kind, not forcing her to say what she could hardly bring herself to think—but as Maura opened her mouth to admit her deepest shame, an earsplitting shriek came from the living room.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: If you have any concerns about triggers involving conception/adoption, please feel free to message me. (I'm actually a much happier person than this chapter would suggest. And we do turn a corner after this.)

* * *

Years later, Maura still never quite knew how to describe what she thought when she first entered the living room. The lamps on the end tables were upright, no windows were broken, and nothing was on fire. The room was neatly tidied, symmetrical and even a little bland since Jane had talked her into moving her Yoruba tribal mask collection to the office upstairs, but something about it had sent Jimmy into a raging fury.

Maura hung back, crossing her arms nervously as she let Jane be the one to stoop and look the trembling boy in the eye. She resisted the urge to remark on the decibel level since anything she said would have been lost in the escalating wail.

"Breathe, buddy," Jane said firmly. "OK? Are you hurt? Did something fall on you?"

Jimmy's thin body stiffened as he took a gulping breath and continued screaming. Jane dropped to one knee and took him carefully by the shoulders. Maura opened her mouth then closed it. She had absolutely no idea what to say.

Jane did. She continued speaking calmly, never raising her voice and simply letting the child scream until he was red-faced and gasping.

"Feel better?" she asked.

Even Maura knew the answer to that was definitely _no_.

As Jimmy's face contorted again, his thin shoulders shaking, Maura found herself inching backwards. Was this normal? She had no idea, but she had definitely never done anything like this when she was little. It wasn't just undignified, it was illogical.

"You wanna be mad, I've got all day."

At that, Jimmy's hand flew up, a pale skinny thing with no real chance of hurting Jane. She caught his wrist, circling it gently as she spun the boy around so that she was embracing him from behind, his arms crossed over his chest and pinned against her. He struggled, trying to kick, but Jane restrained him safely. As he continued to fight, Jane shifted back so that she sat on the couch with the boy pulled onto her lap.

"It's OK," she murmured, "it's OK, just get it out." Gradually as his struggles lessened and his screaming turned to sobs, Jane began to rock him back and forth, soothing away the outburst.

Maura simply stared, fingers pressed to her mouth. _Dear God…what…_

"OK, bud, OK. You wanna tell me what happened?"

Jimmy's eyes began to fill with tears. He buried his head against Jane's chest as she released his arms and they crept around her neck. Whimpering sobs made him nearly unintelligible except for the sniffled word _Drizzle_.

"What?" she asked again, tilting her head closer to him. One hand gently stroked his bristling sandy crew cut. "Oh…OK. I get it, yeah."

Maura took a half step forward to ask what was wrong. Jane turned her head and gave a quick shake, her eyes dark and serious. That at least was one signal she couldn't mistake—_back away_. Slowly Maura retreated but stayed within earshot to hear Jane explaining quietly that she wasn't angry, that Jimmy wasn't in trouble, but that there were more appropriate ways to let her know that he was upset. Of course they could fix it—they would fix it together—but Jimmy was still going to have to go to his room for a while and think about another way he could have let her know how he felt.

Maura looked on as Jane eased the little boy back to his own feet, in more ways than one, and offered the edge of her t-shirt so that he could wipe his face. With a growing sense of her own hopelessness, she watched Jane take off her watch and strap it loosely around Jimmy's wrist.

"Just like we practiced—when the big hand there gets to the bottom, that's when I'll come check on you. Then we'll talk about it, OK?"

Trembling, Jimmy nodded as he sniffed back the last of his tears. "Promise?"

Jane held out one fist and they executed a complex sequence of taps and gestures that meant nothing to Maura. "I promise."

Maura waited for Jimmy to slowly climb the steps, the fury of his tantrum having drained the springs from his legs, before she came back to the living room. Carefully she sat down a cushion away from Jane who was still looking up the stairs after the boy and lost in thought.

"What in the world was that about?"

Jane looked at her, took a deep breath, and forced a reluctant smile. "You, um…you took down his pillow fort."

Maura simply stared at her wife, then slowly let her eyes travel across the living room she had straightened earlier that afternoon. That weekend Jane had stacked couch cushions into a lopsided house of cards on the floor with a blanket stretched across the top and played with Jimmy during the Sunday afternoon rainstorm. It was out of Maura's ability to comprehend the appeal of what they did, but it was one of the Things Jane Was Good At. Maura knew she was good for other things, but disturbingly few of them involved children. She did however know how to clean and since they had scheduled the Rizzoli family dinner for tomorrow, she had to seize opportunities wherever she could find them.

"The…the pillows? The ones on the floor?"

Jane nodded, mouth pursed in on itself. "Yeah, that's a pillow fort."

"That _meltdown_ was about the pillows?" Maura demanded. "I thought he amputated an appendage. Maybe two. Yes, I picked up the couch cushions. We're having the entire family over tomorrow and they need something to sit on."

Jane nodded, looking even wearier than she had when trying to reason with Jimmy. "Well, he needed it too."

It had taken 23 days, one inch at a time, but Maura finally reached the end of her rope. Children were a wonder and a joy, but this one was an inexplicable time bomb that had just gone off in her own living room.

"That…that was over _pillows_? He has an entire room full of things to play with, and don't think I don't know about the portable DVD player you bought him, and now I can't use my own couch?"

Something about the way Jane's eyes flashed told Maura that this was one of those times when she should stop and stop now. "I love you, Maur, I do? But you never had a pillow fort, did you?"

Maura straightened and tilted her head—_did you even need to ask?_ "No, Jane, I did not."

"But you did have two parents who, OK, aren't exactly the most attentive people in the world, but they made sure you were taken care of physically. You had the best education, clothes, and anything you wanted, and you never had to worry if you were safe or not."

A sinking feeling began in the pit of Maura's stomach as she started to see where this was heading. "Yes," she whispered.

Jane's expression turned regretful to match her own. She planted her palms on the couch to lift her weight and scooted across the cushion to sit beside Maura. There had never been any such thing as polite distance between them and Maura felt the warmth of Jane's body pressing into her.

"Well, Jimmy never had that. When we built that fort, it was so he could make his own safe place where he gets to be in control, and he hasn't known the first thing about that before now. When it gets taken away while he's not looking and without anyone asking him, he feels tricked and defenseless. He doesn't know how to explain that—he's just a kid. All he knows is that he's scared. And I happen to remember a fairly spectacular meltdown that someone had when they came home six years ago and found that I'd used all the hand-woven Irish linen dish towels to scrub fruit punch off the kitchen floor."

No matter how awful Jimmy No-Last-Name had felt when he walked into the living room and found his fort gone, it wasn't half as bad as Maura Rizzoli-Isles felt now. For the third time in thirty minutes, she felt herself on the verge of tears.

"So I destroyed his sense of safety?"

Jane's eyes cut to one side as she opened her mouth. "No, that's not...well, kind of? Look, I'm not saying he's right, just that's how it _feels_. Just because he's a kid doesn't mean he gets everything he wants, but he needs to know what's going on before it happens so he can get his head around it. It wasn't right but you didn't do anything wrong."

Maura felt her eyes begin to well with tears and kept her face down. "You could've done better," she murmured.

Jane slid one arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a half-hug. "No, that's what my mother says about you. How could I possibly have done better than you?"

"You could've found someone who…" _Who could give you children._ "Who likes sports."

"Number one, there needs to be at least one thing around here that I'm better at than you. Number two," her fingertips had found Maura's chin, turning her face up, "that's not what you were going to say. What's wrong?"

Maura tried to look away but it was too late and her eyes were brimming over. Jane's expression slowly turned from tender to shocked before settling on brokenhearted.

_Oh. That._

"Maura," she said thickly, "I thought we settled this. I _have_ a family. I have you. I'm sorry if I've ever said or done anything to make you doubt that."

Maura bit the corner of one lip as she nodded, then found herself kissed so gently that a quiet whimper escaped her.

"Yes," Jane said simply. "I would love kids, but I could never love anything more than I already love you. We tried and you did everything right and it's nobody's fault that it didn't work out."

Intellectually, Maura knew this was true but her heart had yet to catch up with her head. Though Jane had never been anything less than wonderfully supportive, Maura had felt the pressure mounting with each failed in vitro attempt. They both knew that Jane's job didn't make it realistic for her to carry a baby without taking extended leave, and BPD's latest budget-driven policy changes meant her position wouldn't be held for her. Following every appointment, Maura had calmly cited the statistics in their favor but after the fifth attempt last winter, a disappointment twice as cruel for the false positive, Jane had called a halt. Each failure had taken a progressive toll and left Maura as hollow and aching inside as she had been in the decades of solitude before Jane had entered her life. They would try something else, Jane had said, but the time never seemed right to talk about what that something else would be.

Until now.

"Yeah," Jane admitted, "you're right, I'm getting attached. I know we have to make the decision together, baby, so I'm asking now. How do…" Jane's words trailed off in confusion and she simply stared as her competent, collected, logical wife slowly fell to pieces against her. "Maura? What's wrong? Are you …"

Maura shook her head, unable to say anything as tears began to cascade. Every muscle in her throat had spasmed and she struggled to force out the words. "I'm sorry," she choked. "I'm sorry, I'm trying but I d-don't…"

Jane was rubbing her back as she leaned forward to an almost comical degree, trying to look Maura in the eye as she hid her face in both hands. "No, it's my fault," Jane said desperately. "We can talk later, OK? Or…or we can talk now. Do you want to talk? No? Maura, for chrissakes, please, baby?"

At that word, that one innocent word, Maura's whole body stiffened and her ribs ached from struggling to hold in the worst of the sobs.

"I'm s-sorry," she managed. "Please…it's just that…you call me that...and…" _Tell her—just tell her._ "When you call me _baby_ a-and I see the look on your face…I can't f-forget how much you…you want a baby and…I-I can't…"

"Stop. Please, Maura…stop."

Maura could have handled anger, but the anguished expression on Jane's face nearly broke her heart all over again. Her hands were covering her mouth, as if her fingers had been trying to catch and strain all the impurities out of the words. Jane's crept up to take them in her own.

"I'm sorry, Maur, I didn't think. I just, I love you and that's how I...that's not how I meant it."

Maura nodded, struggling to regain her voice. "And you shouldn't have t-to walk on eggshells. I'm the, _I'm _the one who…" _The one who failed._

Jane's eyes widened as she saw where the sentence was going. Years of perfectionism had left their stamp on Maura and she would rate her performance in this just as critically as she did anything else. "No—you never failed me, Maura, don't _ever_ think like that. We tried, five times, _we_ tried."

"Six." Maura closed her eyes and felt the word slip away on a single breath. _Six, six…_

"N-no, it was five?" Jane seemed to be counting under her breath, as if either of them could ever forget. "It was five, but ba…sweetie, it doesn't matter."

"Six," Maura repeated more steadily. For all the times in the last three weeks she had imagined this conversation, none of them had involved this feeling of peace that was coming over her now. "When you were in Quantico for the training course in June, just before I went to Montreal for the conference. I didn't tell you."

Jane was staring back at her, eyes slowly widening as she counted back in time. "You…went on your own? To Dr. Stubbs?"

Maura nodded. "And it worked," she said softly. "A positive, no doubt. I was…" _Pregnant_. "I didn't say anything, I wanted to wait until…" She took a shuddering breath. "And I'm glad I waited because it didn't…I lost…"

_I lost your baby. I tried, I'm so sorry, I tried, but..._

She shrugged, hard and sudden, trying to jolt her body through the remainder of what had to be said. If she could say what needed saying, as logically and with as little emotion as possible, then she just might survive.

"It happened the morning you found Jimmy. That's why I went to the scene, to find you, but when I got there, you were walking towards me with this fragile little boy in your arms."

_He needed you even more than I did._

"And there was nothing you could do," Maura said matter-of-factly as Jane let out an inarticulate noise of protest. "I wasn't very far along, I didn't even need a doctor, but he needed you. How could I...?"

Somehow, Maura didn't know when, Jane had slid to the floor in front of the sofa so she crouched with her hands on Maura's knees, just inches away. "Always," she choked, "_nothing_ matters more. No, ohmygod…y-you said you didn't feel good and you stayed home a day, but I didn't…_fuck_," she muttered, "M-Maura, I'm so sorry—you never have to..."

"But perhaps things really do happen for a reason." There, she had said it at last—her logical refuge, the only way that she could make sense of it all. Maura's universe needed reasons and this was the only one she could find. "Maybe there's something in my body that knows I wouldn't be a good mother and it was simply having an appropriate biological response."

Jane stared at her, mouth open and eyes pleading. "Stop," she whispered. Her lips barely moved, the word not more than a breath. There were only two inches between them, two aching, cavernous inches that Jane began to slowly close

"I didn't lie," Maura said but it came out in a weak mumble as Jane's hands had slid up to her waist. Too late she thought about keeping some space between them. She couldn't think clearly when Jane was this close, but the ache of missing her was overwhelming all her rational decisions. She let herself lean into Jane's shoulder and the sheer relief of the familiar comfort was overwhelming. "I…I don't…"

"I'm sorry," Jane whispered, "I'm so, so sorry, baby."

At the endearment, Maura began to cry again, the culmination of everything she had held in for too long. _It was only a word, just a word._ It had surprised her to hear Jane use it the first time, coming from the sarcastic and seemingly jaded detective, but her own reaction had startled her even more. It was a term that had always seemed so childish and sentimental when she heard it in pop songs on the radio, but it took on an entirely new meaning when Jane had whispered it so tenderly their first night together.

Maura felt one arm slide under her knees, the other still wrapped around her waist as she was lifted up into Jane's lap and they sat on the couch together. Some small part of her mind told her that it was pointless to be grieving like this and it was only the residual hormones she had been battling that made her behave so irrationally. This was no different from any other failed attempt; she was the one who had chosen this; she had known what would most likely happen. She couldn't have _lost_ anything she'd never had. The rest of her clung to Jane so tightly there might be bruises tomorrow.

"I'm here," she heard just outside her ear. "Let me. Please, baby, let me?"

Maura had lost any ability to reply coherently but somewhere in between heaving sobs she begged, _Don't say that. There's no baby, you can't say that, I lost it, you can't, you can't…_

"Ssshh, yes, there is," Jane crooned softly.

Her arms were locked around Maura now, cradling her and cushioning the wracking sobs as Maura's tears soaked through her shirt. For a single irrational moment, Maura tried to struggle and push Jane away, but she was held fast and couldn't slip away. Jane's head bowed down as if in prayer and her hair fell around them in a dark, comforting curtain. There was no fear, no guilt, no accusation or regret here, simply the purest, deepest devotion Maura had ever known.

"I love you—you're my baby, you're my baby. Listen to me, you're my baby…"


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks incredibly much for the support everyone's given for this story. It's classified as hurt/comfort for a good reason, but I promise we're past the hurt now. Also, I think I must have the smartest readers in the world and I promise I'll be addressing all your concerns in time (we're just under the halfway mark now). Thanks for your trust. :-)

* * *

Maura's eyes closed blissfully as she sank another inch down into the steaming water and she waved one hand to clear a spot in the foaming bubbles clustering around her face. Carefully she stretched her legs out as far as she could but still couldn't reach the ceramic footwall. That had been her private request to the contractor when she had the bathroom refitted shortly after their marriage, when Jane and her odd assortment of t-shirts, firearms and sports memorabilia had come home to roost. The tub needed to be long enough for Jane and wide enough for them both. Until then, Jane had always been an avowed morning and post-workout showerer, so Maura had taken it upon herself to make a case for the appeal of the leisurely bath.

It had taken a little coaxing to convince Jane to at least give the new tub a try and Maura had spared no trouble in setting the scene with candles, wine, and the promise of a back rub. The grumbling had lasted all of 90 seconds while the bath itself ended up lasting significantly longer. Now at every gift-giving occasion among the boxes there would be some kind of wrapped and pre-packaged bath gift set. Maura would look up to find Jane grinning hopefully at her, eyebrows raised, and it would be a race upstairs to start the tub.

It was all hers at the moment though and she luxuriated in the warm water that cushioned and buoyed her spirits as well as body. When Maura had finally cried herself out, Jane had helped her up the stairs with a protective arm around her waist until they reached the bedroom. Maura had sat quietly on the edge of the bed while Jane ran the bath, adjusted the water, and added her favorite oils until the whole suite smelled of lemon verbeena.

They didn't speak.

When Maura had gently lowered herself into the tub, shuddering slightly as the heat rose through her muscles, Jane adjusted the neck pillow behind her and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Maura's eyes were closed but she had heard Jane moving quietly and then the strains of classical music filled the bathroom: _Brahms: Sonatas for Cello & Piano_ by the incomparable Yo-Yo Ma. Unbidden, Maura began to chuckle from somewhere deep within, a place so buried that she had nearly forgotten it was there.

That had been over half an hour ago and if Maura hadn't been so utterly exhausted—physically, emotionally, mentally—she might have gotten out of the tub to go looking for Jane. She prided herself on being a centered and self-aware person, but the last three weeks had shaken her concentration to the point where she hadn't realized just how much stress she had taken on. She should have known better than to try to keep the miscarriage to herself, but she still couldn't find the faulty point in her logic. It simply wouldn't have made sense to ask Jane to disregard the needs of a living child just to be a spectator to Maura's grief over a decision that Jane hadn't even been a part of. But, as was so often the case, Maura really had no idea of how to understand her own emotions; fortunately for them both, Jane did.

There was a soft tap at the door and it took Maura a moment to realize that Jane was actually waiting to be invited in. "Come in—please?"

The door swung back and Jane stuck her head in first, cocked to one side as if evaluating if the coast were clear or not. When she entered, it was with a wineglass extended like a peace offering. Maura pulled herself upright in the tub, smiling and reaching out one soap-covered hand to accept. She tipped her nose into the glass, breathing in the bouquet, and her eyes flickered open as she recognized a Pinot Noir which was certainly not the least expensive item in the cellar.

Jane had dragged over the low stool they kept tucked under the vanity and she sat next to the tub, folded in on herself with her knees nearly up to her chin. For a moment Maura wondered if this was what Jane had looked like in elementary school when she had been sent to sit in the corner, something Angela had assured her happened on a regular basis. Jane's protective tendencies extended back to pre-school, and more often than not teachers had mistaken her sticking up for other children on the playground as unprovoked aggression.

"I'm taking care of dinner and I got Jimmy settled. We made a new fort in his guest room and he can play for another hour. Don't worry, I just used stuff from upstairs."

_Dinner_, Maura thought and her heart sank. "You don't have to eat the pasta," she said quietly. "I don't know what I was thinking when I picked that."

"You were thinking, hey, what can I make that's really great and special and then share that with the people I love. And even though I give you a hard time, I really like the cheesy parts. Don't worry, I got some stuff at the store that Jimmy will like."

Maura stared at her levelly. Jane's hands found their way to each other, threading together in the way they did whenever she was afraid they might come up with something all on their own. "What exactly did you buy?"

"I was showing him how to comparison shop," Jane said brightly. "Do math and stuff. Which is why we got a half gallon of ice cream, because it's cheaper. More economical. And the, um, environment."

"Please tell me you're not feeding him ice cream for dinner."

"Fine," Jane broke down in exasperation. "They're Dinonuggets, OK? And yes, they come in a bright plastic bag and have about 80 different kinds of preservatives and none of the shapes are real dinosaurs, but it won't kill him this once."

Probably not, Maura agreed, and it was the best she could do after she had upset him so badly. It hadn't been intentional, but it had still hurt and that had to be dealt with.

"I got you something too," Jane said hopefully. There was a lidded box in her hands now, something Maura had missed; she was missing everything it seemed these days. Maybe she should ask Dr. Pike for a consultation on her next autopsy.

Maura tried to peer over the edge of the tub and managed to get bubbles on her chin. Sputtering, she tried to wipe them away but only succeeded in covering her face. Chuckling, Jane plucked a folded washcloth from the neat stack on the counter.

"Hold still, I got it. There."

Maura thanked her, then dunked the washcloth in the water to rinse it. When she looked up, Jane was waiting with something in her hand.

"Is that…?"

Jane nodded. "Belgian, dark." Maura sighed as Jane slipped the imported chocolate into her mouth and closed her eyes as the delicate confection melted across her tongue. "Did that help? 'Cause I've got a whole box."

"Mmm. Chocolate fixes everything short of broken bones."

"That's what Ma told me."

Maura winced at the though of her mother-in-law, her friend and confidant, who had raised three wonderful children (although Jane would have rolled her eyes at including Tommy). She had been semi-consciously avoiding the café so she wouldn't have to engage in any extended chats about how Jimmy was doing or what their plans were. That was easier to handle with Jane there to be the focus of conversation, so funny, quick and capable.

"Did you call her?"

"No, she said that the first day I brought you home to meet everyone. 'Janie, that one's got class. Don't get her those cheap Whitman Sampler things your father thinks I like.' Ma loved you the second she laid eyes on you. She was just scared I was going to screw it up and get my heart broken."

"No," Maura protested. "Even if we had decided that we should remain friends and colleagues, I would have had the greatest respect and consideration for your feelings.

Jane shrugged. "She's a mom—you can't ask her not to worry about her kids. Sit up." One hand was on Maura's shoulder, urging her forward. "I'll get your back."

Maura obliged and let out a contented sigh as the warm damp washcloth moved along her spine. "You do, don't you?"

"Hmm?" The washcloth dipped and returned, moving over her shoulders, under the escaped tendrils of hair.

"Have my back. That's the expression, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is, and I do." The cloth was replaced with Jane's hands as she shifted to massage Maura's warm, damp shoulders. One thumb had found the trigger point in her trapezius and was slowly working its way up her neck to the occipital ridge as time itself stopped.

"How's that?"

"Wonnerful," Maura slurred as she settled back against the neck pillow. Jane smiled but there was something gathered and nervous about her, the way there was when she had something to tell Maura that she didn't want to, which could be anything from having forgotten to pick up the dry cleaning to leaving a quart of milk out on top of the refrigerator all weekend. But not today. All those seemingly important domestic disappointments were nothing compared to this now.

"What are you thinking?"

Jane cleared her throat, clasping her hands together again as she huddled on the stool beside the tub. "That maybe I've messed up. And maybe I've taken you for granted or…or taken advantage of you."

Of all the things she had thought she would hear, those weren't anywhere among them.

"You kinda scare me sometimes," Jane continued haltingly. "I remember how it was when we first started seeing each other and all I had to do was say that I liked something and I'd find it in my car or on my desk. I knew you weren't trying to buy me or anything, but you're just such a nice person that you want to do things for people. I had to be really careful about what I said."

"It makes me happy to make you happy," Maura said carefully. Making a gift of season tickets, weekends on the coast, vintage memorabilia, decent clothing, all had made her delighted in a way she hadn't realized she could be. "Jane, I never had anyone in my life before. I felt like an electrical circuit that couldn't complete, just bleeding potential." Maura felt her heart sink a little more when Jane didn't even smile.

"But maybe…I know I can come across really strong sometimes and I usually get my way. I don't try to do that, especially not with you, but I just…" There was a note of self-doubt in Jane's voice that Maura had never heard before. "It's just how I grew up. You go for what you want because if you stop to ask, someone'll say no. I wanted to play football, so I did. I wanted to be a detective and I made it happen. I saw you and it was like lightning—I knew I wanted you and I wasn't going to take no for an answer."

"I'm glad."

For some reason that didn't reassure Jane. "Yeah, but what if I talked you into something that wasn't really right for you just because I wasn't paying attention?"

"I want children," Maura whispered. "I never misled you about that. That's always been true, Jane, I swear it. The first time I met your family, I knew that's what I wanted. I never had anything like that before you and I wanted it so badly. That's why I wanted to try again. I'm not used to not being able to solve problems, so when the problem is me, I didn't know what to do except…try harder."

Jane had put one hand on the edge of the tub and was looking as if she desperately wanted to reach for Maura but couldn't find her in the midst of all the bubbles. Maura reached up and took Jane's hand in hers and their hands clasped half-in, half-out of the water.

"Do you know I would love you just as much even if you'd told me from the start that you didn't want kids? I still would've wanted to be with you. Nothing's ever going to change that, Maura."

"Well, good," she tried to joke. "Because apparently you're stuck with me."

Finally Jane smiled, her thumb rubbing gently across the back of Maura's hand. "When I was downstairs just now, I called Ma and told her we were re-scheduling family dinner, maybe next week, we'll see. We've been so busy lately that she didn't even ask why, just assumed something came up. That's when I looked at the calendar by the phone. There's a lot of writing on it."

Maura nodded, wondering where the idea was going. "We're popular people."

"Maybe a little too popular. I think we've been doing a lot more than we realized. Not even counting everything this spring, we've been apart as much as we've been together this summer. We'd already planned for me to be gone those four weeks in Quantico but then they asked you to come up early to Montreal to give a lecture before the forensics conference, and before that there was the waterfront op that had me working doubles for nearly a month."

"All of those were good choices," Maura disagreed. "If we had to go back, I don't think I'd change them."

"Maybe?" Jane didn't sound sure. "I mean, ribs and steak and pot roast are all great but not at the same time. There's only so much you can handle."

Maura wasn't certain about red meat in general, but she understood what Jane was saying.

"I'm not worried about us," Jane said carefully, "but I think we got really out of sync if I could've missed what you were going through."

"I specifically waited for you to be away in Quantico."

"Which specifically trained me," Jane sighed, one hand scrubbing her chin, "to notice things. Like my own wife struggling. I'm not angry, Maura, but my heart's breaking for what you've been holding onto and I-I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing."

"You're perfect," Maura said simply. "But another chocolate wouldn't hurt."

Smiling at that, Jane selected a champagne truffle from the assortment and then balanced the wineglass for her, tipping it gently so Maura could drink.

"Ba…sweetie, do you hurt?" Her expression was intent, as if she were taking interview notes.

"No, I was so early that it wasn't much different from a heavy period." Maura briefly described the process, keeping the terms as simple and straightforward as possible to reassure Jane that she had never been in any danger.

"But did you? Then, that day, when you came to find me. You needed my help and I didn't have time for you." Jane's voice was thicker, her eyebrows gathering. "Sorry," she muttered as if arguing with herself. "What am I gonna do, I missed it. We don't have to do this now."

Of course Jane was going to take responsibility and add it to her running catalogue, but this was one mark Maura wasn't going to let her have.

"No, we should. I'm ready," Maura said quietly. "Could you help me out?"

She had meant just to stand up in the tub, but as soon as she said the words she saw that they revealed far more about what she was feeling than she had realized. And as she always had, Jane understood. Clasping Maura's forearm, she pulled her to her feet in one smooth motion then stepped close, letting her arms slip around Maura.

"Jane…" she protested. "Your clothes."

"I've got more." Jane pulled her closer, her shirt and pants soaking through where their bodies pressed together as Maura finally melted into her embrace. "But I've only got one of you."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thanks very much again for all the reviews, messages and follows. This story is a little slower and more complex emotionally, so thanks for sticking it out to see Maura overcome her insecurities and grow into motherhood. Things with kids, especially adoptions, take time, but we're on the right track...

* * *

Often the act of drying each other off led to other things, but tonight there was only comfort and concern as Jane fetched the oversized fluffy bath sheet that could wrap twice around Maura. When she had finished with a final flourish, Jane lifted one of the bathrobes from the hook on the back of the bathroom door and held it open for Maura to slip her arms into the sleeves and then took the ends of the ties and fastened them into a clumsy bow.

"Thank you."

Jane shrugged, her smile coming and going in sudden bursts.

Maura took her hand, wineglass in the other, and led her wife back to the bedroom, then turned the covers down and arranged the pillows against the headboard. When she was satisfied, she maneuvered Jane to sit back against the pillows, then crawled onto the bed to join her. Jane slipped one arm around her waist and let her other hand settle over the back of Maura's head, cradling her. Maura's eyes fluttered closed as she felt long fingers sink into her hair, stroking her scalp in a soothing rhythm.

"Between primates, social grooming can help form bonds and serves to build relationships and establish pair bonding."

Jane gave a surprisingly good impersonation of a chimpanzee that made Maura laugh with delight. "OK, now I know you've been under stress. It wasn't that funny."

Timidly, Maura added, "In some species, it can even be a form of reconciliation and conflict resolution."

Jane tightened her embrace and pressed her cheek to the top of Maura's head. "What about when the other monkey is just really sorry and wants everything to be OK again?"

"I think it would be analogous, yes."

"OK, then we're just gonna stay here all night."

Maura didn't say anything to that but closed her eyes again, losing herself in the comfort as the final traces of her doubts and misgivings dropped away. "You were so happy," she said at last. "When you walked up holding Jimmy, your face looked the way I wanted it to when I told you I was pregnant. How could I say anything to take that away from you?"

"You tell me. Everything. From now on." Jane wasn't angry but her voice was tight, the way it got when she was frightened and fighting not to show it. Her palm was lying against Maura's stomach now and moving in slow, reassuring circles. For the first time in weeks, Maura didn't have the urge to flinch at being touched there. The splinter was out at last.

"I promise," Maura said.

"Do you know that you already make me happy, just by being there and letting me come along. But please, Maur, you gotta promise me that we're stopping. I can't risk you getting hurt or maybe something going wrong medically or…or I don't know what. Just having you in my life makes it better than I ever thought was possible. I love you. I don't need anything more, end of story. OK?"

Maura couldn't quite bring herself to look Jane in the eye but she nodded her understanding. "Which brings us to Jimmy."

"I haven't said anything to him about staying," Jane said firmly. "I'd never do that without you, and now that I know what's been going on, we'll talk to DCF about finding another situation for him. It could take a while, but we'll find the right home."

"That's not what I want, Jane. I want you to listen to me."

Jane murmured something that sounded like _cute_ and _when_ and _pushy_.

"About Jimmy," Maura repeated. "I have no doubt that you would be a wonderful mother to him and that he couldn't ask for a better parent. That was obvious from the first day. I want children with you even though I don't have the experience you do. My concern is that…" She hesitated then forced herself through the fear. "…is that I'm not a good mother."

She had always thought of herself as competent, level-headed, and kind to others, but for the first time in her life Maura truly had no idea what to do. She was trying as hard as she could, but the change had been so sudden, no gentle on ramp or time to prepare the house or herself. She had thought any children they had would be anticipated and planned for, but now suddenly a small tornado had been unleashed and she was smiling, bewildered, trying to chase the wind. Jane was utterly in her element—glorious, laughing, alive and excited—and Maura was left to flounder behind and pick up the pieces.

"That's crazy, Maura, you'd be a wonderful Mom."

"Thank you for thinking so, but you're in love with me and most likely not objective in your evaluation. Jimmy is obviously much more comfortable with you than me. I've tried to interact with him and the results have been less than successful. I'm doing my very best and I've read the recommended list from the foster care program and supplemented it with..."

"What you want won't be in a book," Jane chuckled. "You've already got everything it takes and it's inside you. You just don't realize it and you're trying so hard that it's backfiring on you. Y'know, you've already done this once before."

"Cailin was already an independent young adult when we met. I don't believe that's a valid comparison."

"No kidding," Jane muttered. "No, I meant me. I was just an immature crazy cop, running half-wild around the city when we met. Now I'm home every night, my clothes actually match, and I ate something green twice last week. It takes time and patience. Just think of Jimmy as a little me and do whatever you would have done with me."

Maura sat up, shifting so that she sat straddled across Jane's lap, face to face. "Jimmy doesn't talk to me unless I ask him a direct question. Even then he rarely makes eye contact and he doesn't even refer to me by…well, anything."

"Well, he doesn't seem to get the Mommy thing. how about Dr. Drizzle?"

"Anything would be more of an emotional connection than just 'ma'am'."

Jane was smiling, affection softening her eyes in a way Maura didn't understand but she knew that Jane never looked at anyone else this way and it made her deliriously happy.

"There's something you might not know about little boys, and that's how hard it is for them to be in the same room with the girls they're smitten over."

Maura pulled back, like Bass when startled by a noise, and tilted her head. "He likes me and that's why he won't talk to me?"

"You don't see the way he watches you when you're not looking. I don't think he's ever seen anything like you before. Trust me, I know how he feels. Love," Jane sighed, "whatcha gonna do?"

"But…you didn't have any difficulty expressing yourself to me when we met."

Jane's fingers were splayed out, bridging the small of her back and it only took the slightest urging to make Maura fold forward and tuck herself close against Jane again. "Well, I'm special," she said smugly.

Maura rolled her eyes but couldn't deny the truth of it either. By her calculations, she had known Jane all of a week before their first date (not that she had known that was what it was) and it had only taken another two weeks before the detective made her intentions clear. That had been the day that the heel of Maura's favorite Kurt Geiger stilettos had wedged itself in the gap between the elevator car and the floor which sent her pitching forward into the BPD lobby. Fortunately, nearly the entire staff had been upstairs in the café for Wanda Riley's going away party and so very few people saw the accident, but one of them was Jane.

Rushing to Maura's side, she had helped the dazed and embarrassed medical examiner quickly to her feet, then gathered her scattered reports and led her to one of the private interrogation rooms. Trying to keep up with the flood of questions, Maura had put on her most reassuring bedside manner, not that she'd had much practice in the morgue.

"Det. Rizzoli—Jane. I appreciate your concern, I do, but I can assure you that I'm perfectly fine. While it's possible I need a new shoe, I didn't strike my head and my fall was sufficiently cushioned." Even more importantly, she had been able to discreetly check in the mirrored interrogation window and confirm that the seat of her Alexander Wang skirt was no worse for the fall.

Jane nodded intently at every reassurance but couldn't stop herself from blurting, "With what, invisible throw pillows?"

Maura smiled, recognizing that as the sarcasm her new friend used to cope with difficult emotional situations. She was puzzled as to why this had caused Jane so much distress, but she appreciated the concern.

"The gluteus maximus is capable of sustaining a significant impact, although if struck at the right angle the coccyx bone can become cracked which is especially slow and painful to heal."

"So you're saying your amazing ass saved you?"

Maura considered it. "I'm not sure anyone's ever called it that before, but yes."

"Well, it is. I mean, good. Good that it saved you." Jane seemed to be fumbling for words and uncharacteristically embarrassed.

Maura reached out to put one hand on her friend's arm. Jane twitched at the touch but quickly reached out in return. Somehow it felt incredibly natural to be touching each other like this. Briefly Maura regretted never having cultivated close friendships in the past. There was something indescribably comforting about this now. "I'm fine, and even if I were hurt I know you would do everything you could to take care of me. Thank you."

"You're welcome." Jane's voice was even lower than usual and her dark eyes were still bright and alert. "You're right though. I'm no doctor. What am I gonna do—kiss it, make it better? I-I mean, not that I…your ass…crap."

Maura couldn't help smiling at the flustered detective. "I understood what you meant, and while I'm sure the sentiment is very reassuring to children, there hasn't been a definitive study about the effectiveness of kissing as an analgesic. A pain reliever," she clarified when Jane stared at her in confusion.

"D'you think anyone's tried?"

Maura tilted her head as she shrugged lightly. "Perhaps we should design a study and document the results. If nothing else…"

Before she could finish the thought, Jane had cupped Maura's face in her hands and kissed her. It wasn't a hesitant kiss or one that left any doubt as to Jane's feelings. It was the kiss of someone who had just been given permission to speak their mind and wanted to waste no more time about it.

For a moment, Maura didn't react at all, and then suddenly she found herself standing, taking Jane by the jacket lapels and pulling her even closer so they could continue the experiment. There was a noise behind them of a doorknob turning and then re-latching though it was a full week before Det. Frost admitted he had been coming to check on Maura, who in his opinion seemed to be in very good hands.

"You may be right," Maura whispered at last. "My pulse is elevated, I feel dizzy and I'm seeing floating white spots. Perhaps I really did hit my head."

"Or," Jane murmured back as she nuzzled Maura's hair, "maybe you just finally kissed the right person. But if you need to be sure, we could repeat the experiment," she offered. "Replicate it under more natural conditions—tonight, 7 o'clock, your doorstep?"

That seemed like a very scientifically sound proposition, although Maura later texted to suggest 6:30, then 5:30 when the dizzy feelings refused to abate. You really couldn't be too careful with things like this. In fact, she texted again, she had read that she shouldn't sleep unsupervised after a possible head injury until at least 48 hours had passed.

Jane volunteered.

Maura accepted.

Nobody slept.

That had been six years ago and Jane was right. There had been something special between them from the very start. When, early on, Maura had battled a rare moment of self-doubt, it was Angela who had reminded her that just because everyone else didn't know what they wanted in a relationship it didn't mean she and Jane had to pretend to be confused just out of politeness. But now…now Maura was well and truly confused.

"Regardless of what we decide to do with Jimmy," Jane said quietly, "you would be a great Mom. It's like biochemistry class, right? You didn't know everything on the first day." When Maura didn't say anything, Jane groaned. "Oh you did, didn't you? You probably studied all summer because you were worried about being behind. But you weren't _born_ with it. And getting a seven-year-old boy out of the blue is like getting transferred in the middle of the year to some class you never signed up for."

Maura unwillingly felt herself begin to smile. "Did you just make an analogy that didn't involve sports?"

"I got skills." Jane grinned. "I just think you're being way too hard on yourself. You never had siblings and you have to give yourself a chance." She hugged Maura fiercely then until she gave a faint squeak, then pulled back to kiss her. "Would you feel better if I gave you a nickname and started calling you that so Jimmy will pick up on it? What about Mizzle? We can be Mizzle and Drizzle."

"If anything, I should be Drizzle," Maura said. "I have a medical degree, so Drizzle would be a portmanteau of 'Dr' and 'Rizzoli-Isles'."

Jane affected an overly attentive expression that was undercut by the humor sparking in her dark brown eyes. "So what would my name be then?"

"JJ Ravioli."

Jane burst out laughing and before she knew what was happening, Maura found herself tipped over back onto the bed by her mock vengeful wife. "Ravioli? Ravioli?!"

It wasn't as if they never teased each other like this, but it had been so long since they'd had a night at home together that wasn't filled with paperwork in front of the television and Maura had almost forgotten how incredibly good it felt to simply laugh. Jane had found one of the pillows and swatted at her with it but Maura deflected the blow with her hands.

"Or…or Janoli Canoli?" She managed to get the pillow away from Jane and hit back, popping her lightly on the side of the head. As Korsak was fond of saying, that hair would deflect any blow and Jane barely seemed to notice.

"No," Jane growled. "Me Drizzle, you Mizzle."

"Drizzle?"

Jane froze, sitting back on her heels to stare across the bedroom to the open doorway where Jimmy had silently appeared. "Hey bud—what's up?"

Suddenly aware that all she was wearing was a dressing gown, Maura tried to unobtrusively get off the bed but Jane put one hand on her shoulder.

"It's OK," she murmured. "It's good for him to see we're not angry." Jane let herself fall forward onto her elbows, flopping on the mattress with her feet folded in the air behind her, ankles crossed so she lay alongside Maura. "We're just playing, Jimmy. Whatcha got? C'mon up, show me." She patted the bed and coaxed Jimmy to climb up beside them, dragging his portable DVD player with him.

"Batman don't work."

Jane propped her chin in one hand and frowned down at the display. "Let's see."

Jimmy settled in beside her while Maura quietly slipped into the walk in closet so she could change into lounging pajamas. From the bedroom she heard Jane call that they were going downstairs for a minute to get the food out of the oven and would be right back.

When she emerged, Jane had returned and settled Jimmy on the bed with a plate of crispy breaded Dinonuggets and a working DVD player on his lap. Jane had her own plate, complete with a healthy squirt of ketchup which Maura assumed was going to have to pass for a vegetable. They were propped up against the headboard, happily munching and humming along with the theme music while a square-jawed animated Batman swooped across the screen. Maura felt the familiar wistful tug as she looked on, once again standing just outside the circle.

"Maura."

"Hmm?" She straightened, pulling her attention away from years of regrets. Jane was smiling at her and there was nothing here but love.

"Hang out with us. There's room."

Maura hesitated, having learned long ago that some invitations were simply polite exercises and not intended to be accepted, but the one truth that she knew beyond any other was that Jane wanted her. The question was, did this boy?

Without taking his eyes off the screen, Jimmy shifted to make just a few more inches room for Maura to sit. In a clumsy imitation of his beloved Drizzle, he patted the mattress next to him with one hand. And there resting on the bed was a third little plate of lumpy quadraped-shaped meat nuggets. Her plate.

As she hesitated for one last instant, she watched Jimmy glance at his plate and then hers. Very deliberately, he picked up one of his nuggets with stubby fingers and moved it to her plate. Pointing at each in turn, he carefully mouthed the numbers as he counted out the nuggets on each plate. _One, two, 'free, four…_ With a satisfied nod now that Maura had the same number, Jimmy snuggled closer to Jane to make even more room for her on the bed. Maura slipped in next to him, resting one arm across the top of the pillows and finding Jane's hand there. Their hands clasped together, forming a single protective arch encompassing each other, this boy, the room, their life.

Maura had never watched cartoons as a child, though she had seen animations used in surgical training videos to good effect. She picked up the plot of the animated adventures of Gotham's Caped Crusader easily enough despite interrupting to ask questions that both Jimmy and Jane found ridiculous. (She still thought it was perfectly reasonable to ask if Batman used radar.) Thanks to the simple but effective theme music, she had even gotten the joke when Jane asked Jimmy how Batman's mother told him it was time for supper (_dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-d inner-Batman!_). And, she reluctantly admitted, Dinonuggets just might have a place in the Rizzoli-Isles food pyramid, but only on very, very special occasions.

There was an unaccountable sense of peace settling over Maura as they sat curled up and watching together that she couldn't rationally account for. It would have been enough that she was here now with Jane, together in their home, and yet the part of Maura that very occasionally made unauthorized guesses knew it had something to do with this little boy snuggled between them, his solemn hazel eyes wide and fixed on the screen. They had been complete before but this puzzle piece made them more so, and the cord of three strands would not be easily broken.

As if sensing that she was being watched, Jane let her head roll to one side, staring at Maura with a lazy grin which Maura stretched out to meet in a slow, chaste kiss that verged on becoming something more.

Without looking up from his video, Jimmy declared severely, "You shouldn't do that."

Maura froze, looking to Jane in confusion as she realized suddenly that Jimmy could see them in the reflection of the video screen. The DCF caseworker was fully aware that they were married and they had never intentionally hidden anything, but they hadn't made an overt display of physical affection either.

Jane raised her eyebrows—_no time like the present_. "Why d'you say that, bud?"

"Because girls have cooties," he said sagely. "Now you've got double cooties."

Jane had to bite her knuckle to keep silent but Maura managed to hold her voice steady. "Is there a cure?" she asked.

"No, ma'am. Now you hafta stay together forever so you don't inf'ct anyone else."

"Well, if you say so," Jane sighed. "What do you think, Maura?"

"I think that sounds wonderful."

The look that Jane gave her in return—proud, adoring, exultant and utterly possessive—was enough to make the breath catch in her throat.

Yes.

Yes, Maura thought, she wanted this. She wanted this woman, this family, this life, and even though Jane assured her it would all come to her eventually, she wanted it _now_. And when Maura Rizzoli-Isles put her mind to something, there was absolutely no puzzle she couldn't solve.


	6. Chapter 6

Maura paused for a sip of green tea and to check the number of pages she had completed so far on the autopsy report. The answer was pleasantly surprising. She certainly had faith in the body of medical research which indicated that sufficient sleep had a direct correlative effect on mental performance, but now she could offer her own anecdotal support as well. Simply put, she had slept well for the first time in months and she felt fantastic.

After a complete viewing of _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_, which Jimmy had enormous difficulty pronouncing, Jane had gotten the little boy settled in his own room with an additional bedtime story, and he had actually stayed there for the next three hours. However, while Batman might like the dark, Jimmy did not, and he had wound up back in their bed for the rest of the night.

Just before dawn, Jane had carried him back to his own room and returned to hold Maura and talk in whispers for another half hour until the alarm. She could still feel Jane's arms around her and the scent of Jane's shampoo, although that was actually her own fault for accidentally using the wrong bottle that morning. The comforting sense of Jane's presence would be worth any split ends.

When her mobile phone rang, Maura kept typing with one hand while she answered without checking the inbound number. "Dr. Rizzoli-Isles."

"Maura? Thank God—do you know where Janie is?"

Maura's assessment of the sodium levels in the victim's blood came to a blurred halt with an extended typo across the screen.

"Angela, hello. Well, not precisely, but she was headed to interrogation earlier and she usually turns her phone off unless she's expecting a call related to the interview. Is everything all right?"

"We had an incident."

That could mean absolutely anything, but knowing the Rizzolis it wouldn't be anything good and knowing Angela it would take pulling teeth to get the whole story in a straightforward manner.

"Where are you, who was involved, and what happened?"

"It's Jimmy," Angela said reluctantly. "I took him and TJ to the Salvatore Center to go swimming and I'm not really sure what happened. Everything was fine and then I turned around and he was fighting with one of the other kids and then he just started screaming his head off. We're at the main office and they want to talk to his guardian, but Janie's not picking up and I don't know what to do."

"I'll be right there."

* * *

Maura had learned to swim a few years later than most of the other girls her age, having preferred land-based activities like fencing, ballet and equestrian events. When she had learned, it had been for the purpose of survival and basic competence, turning lap after lap until her body had internalized the mechanics. She had never gone to the pool simply to play, wading in the shallow end or sitting on a float with a book or turning somersaults underwater with her nose held. She had thought at the time that those things might be fun, but what could you really do with them?

Now looking at the dozens of children bobbing in the pool, shouting and splashing, she understood. Every societal group had a dynamic which expressed itself through play, but Maura had simply never joined the club and today was no exception. In her Givenchy and Prada, Maura would have fit in perfectly at any society event, but during the short walk across the parking lot, she caused two fender benders in addition to a dropped sno-cone and one hapless single dad who simply walked into the pool. If her mind hadn't been preoccupied, she might have stopped to offer assistance, but she was utterly focused in her search for Angela Rizzoli.

In the end it was TJ she spotted first, trying to stay within the sliver of shade cast by the office awning. He was balanced on sturdy legs but still holding tight to the hem of his grandmother's striped beach cover-up. His red swim trunks clung to his legs and the inflatable swimmies were pushed up above his elbows which made his arms stick out from his sides like an awkward duckling wings. Maura thought she noticed something odd about his left ankle but before she could look more closely, she caught sight of Jimmy.

Pale and thin in light gray board shorts that barely stayed on his hips, Jimmy stood a full yard away in self-imposed exile. The New England Patriots t-shirt Jane had bought him last week, supposedly second-hand at a thrift store but Maura had found the receipt in the glovebox, was damp at the shoulders and neck. There were scrapes on his elbows and knees, and he seemed to be favoring his right wrist. The wild, defiant look in his eyes was all too familiar. Maura didn't know if it was scientifically possible for ears to cringe, but she braced herself for him to begin screaming as he had the day before. Every species had its defensive mechanisms, but why did Jimmy's have to be so _loud_?

"Maura, thank God." Angela exhaled a deep breath as they caught sight of each other. "I'm so sorry to call you at work, but I couldn't find Jane and I…"

"I'm just glad you did," Maura assured her. "Is TJ all right?"

Angela instinctively reached out to take her grandson's hand. "He's fine. He got scared at all the noise and cried a little, but he's OK."

"Why don't you go ahead and take him home? There's no point in making him wait out here in the heat. After I speak to the manager, I'll call you."

"What about work?" Angela's face was creased with concern. "You can't take Jimmy back to the morgue and what if you still can't reach Jane?"

Maura realized that despite her concern for Jimmy, Angela seemed to be the most upset of them all and her mood could easily spread to the boys. She gave her mother-in-law a quick hug and reassured her that everything would be fine. "I told Susie I wouldn't be back to the office today and she can reach me if there's an emergency."

In the midst of everything they had discussed the night before, she and Jane had agreed that they would immediately cut back on overtime and begin making regular use of the leave time they had accumulated. _I wanna spend the time I've got with you, not a bunch of reports_, Jane had said with such vehemence that Maura felt bad for the HR employee who tried to tell her no. They would see each other for lunch at least twice a week, even if they had to stand as they ate out of takeout containers, and no matter what was decided about Jimmy, there would be one adults-only date night a week.

After several more promises to call soon, Angela believed her at last and started back across the parking lot. TJ walked backwards the entire way, his short legs waddling as he waved one hand at Maura. She had waved hesitantly in return and then realized that, actually, he was waving at Jimmy. When Maura turned to Jimmy, she saw that he had been waving back, but he quickly stopped and squared up, silent and defensive.

"Where's Drizzle?" His eyes were clouded with anger and suspicion, darting over her shoulder.

"She's in…" Maura wondered if Jimmy knew what the word interrogation meant. "She sent me to come right away to see that you're all right. Then we'll go find her."

His chin was trembling but Maura couldn't tell if it was more from anger or pent up tears. He kept his arm close to his side when she reached for him, so she stopped and left her hand open between them. _He's like a cat_, Jane had said sleepily that morning. _You try to pet him and he scoots away. You gotta let him come to you._

Maura had never owned a cat, but Bass certainly had temperamental phases and she knew better than to try to stroke his carapace if he was feeling moody. (Jane was the same way herself once a month, though she hotly denied it despite Maura's meticulous documentation in a shared Google calendar which Jane had tried, unsuccessfully, to delete.)

"It looks like you hurt your arm. Would you let me help?" When he didn't respond and kept his eyes down, Maura waited patiently. "Did you hurt yourself in the pool? It's easy to slip in the water." Still, nothing.

She remembered then how Jane had explained to her that Jimmy found it difficult to talk to her because he was, in fact, utterly intimidated and overwhelmed by her. She still didn't understand how that could be possible—Maura was certain she was a very nice person—but Jane did seem to know what she was doing when it came to Jimmy, so she changed tact.

"It's easy to slip on water. You know, once Drizzle dropped some ice cubes on the kitchen floor and they melted and then Jo Friday came running into the kitchen and her paws slipped in the puddle and she went spinning around in circles like she was chasing her tail."

The ghost of a smile had flickered over the boy's face and now he tilted his head up a fraction.

"All right." Maura crouched, balancing on her heels so they were at eye level. "You know Drizzle is a detective and she helps solve crimes, but do you remember that we work together and I help too?"

Jimmy nodded and said softly, "Like Robin."

Maura was confused for a moment, then realized Jane would be the closest thing to a superhero that he knew, so she would naturally be the sidekick. "Well, I think my wardrobe is a little more sensible, but yes—like Robin. I want to help but I need you to trust me. Would you let me look at your arm?"

_Think of him as a little me_, Jane had said, and if that were true, then Maura thought she knew exactly what had happened. All she needed was the evidence to back it up.

Slowly, Jimmy exhaled, his shoulders loosening as he extended his hand to her, palm up.

* * *

"Come in."

Maura pushed back the door to the main office and waited for the sun-bleached young man in a polo shirt with the Boston Parks and Rec logo on the sleeve to look up from his paperwork. The entire room smelled of chlorine.

"Maura Isles. I'm here about Jimmy."

She glanced down to reassure herself that the boy was still standing next to her and she resisted the urge to put her hand on his shoulder. He was already on the verge of trembling and sometimes a reassuring touch could have exactly the opposite effect.

Maura had learned that lesson the first week of her marriage when the flashback came on without any obvious trigger. She had simply woken to find Jane half-sitting up, seemingly coherent and open-eyed but caught in the grip of a nightmare more real than anything that had happened all that day. It had taken her nearly 20 minutes to talk Jane to wakefulness and convince her that Hoyt wasn't in the house. The entire time she had carefully watched Jane's left hand as it had edged towards the nightstand where she knew there was a loaded revolver in the top drawer. The next night, Jane had opened the nightstand to find a sleek personal gun safe with a digital combination lock, just big enough for her sidearm and an extra clip. It wouldn't stop the nightmares but it would buy them enough time to make better choices.

_Think of him as a little me_... Well, Maura didn't think they made child-sized safes, but she could make Jimmy feel secure and help him understand that he could trust her even if no one had protected him before now.

"Hi, thanks for coming down." The young man behind the desk put down his pen, stood and shook hands, then gestured at the chair across from him. The embroidery over his chest pocket read _Thomas_. Maura thought the name suited him well; there was something competent and kind in his eyes, nothing like an immature but fun-loving Tommy or Tom.

"I know this is a little awkward," Thomas said, "but we have some policies for safety and when we have an incident, we need to talk to a parent. We have a two strike rule—one warning and then a ban. Where water's involved, we have to be extra careful. I think you can understand that."

"Certainly. Have you already spoken with the other boy involved?"

Thomas shook his head. "Donny left with his Mom immediately to go to a doctor. Jimmy landed a few before we pulled him off, bloody nose. They have a membership though and I've flagged a note in the computer to speak with them the next time they come in case we need to follow up.

"Please do," Maura said coolly. "I think any boy who pretends to play with younger children by holding them under the water so they can't breathe would be an excellent candidate for banning from the city's pools."

The sunburn Thomas had acquired in the lifeguard chair over the summer was as effective as Botox in keeping his face tight and unlined, but the expression of shock was unmistakable.

"I understand it's hard to hear that your son is in trouble, ma'am, but it's very clear that he attacked Donny and acted out in a way that's not acceptable for the pool area."

Maura was watching Jimmy carefully out of the corner of her eye, willing him to hold his ground beside her for just a few more minutes until she could make good on her promise. She composed herself, choosing her words carefully as if she were preparing to testify for the grand jury.

"While Jimmy is not my son, I am his guardian and as such it's my responsibility to make sure that he's dealt with fairly. I would agree with you that he did fight with this other boy and I don't doubt that he screamed at a significant decibel level to get the attention of adults. What I would not agree to is that he should be in any kind of trouble for this, and that's because of the events which immediately preceded that display."

Thomas's eyes were alert and rapidly reconsidering the situation. "I'm sorry, ma'am. He looks just like you, so…sorry, I shouldn't have assumed. Well, I've tried to talk to Jimmy about what happened, but he hasn't been very helpful so you'll forgive me for only going on what I saw for myself. I've asked him if Donny attacked him first and he said no—that's the one answer I could get out of him."

Maura crossed her legs, sitting forward slightly. It was something she had seen Jane do when interrogating to give the sense of connection and confiding between herself and the suspect.

"That's reasonable," she agreed. "However, the contusions which are beginning to emerge on his palms and lateral forearm are defensive in nature and indicative that he was protecting himself from someone much larger. The scrapes on his knees came from a forceful impact with a concrete surface, such being forced down on the border around the pool. I would expect that you'll find this Donny is at least 49 inches tall and probably between 70 to 75 pounds given the amount of force likely exerted to produce that degree of bruising in such a short time. And yes, Jimmy told you the truth that Donny didn't attack him, not at first. Jimmy was, in fact, protecting someone else, my three-year-old nephew TJ who was playing with them. Unlike some children, Jimmy is very truthful and he will answer exactly what you ask him."

And that was precisely what Jimmy had done once Maura had convinced him that she wasn't angry or disappointed, that she believed him and would stand up for him. Stumbling and hasty, as if he could hardly stop himself once he started, Jimmy had told her about the big kid who was swimming under the water and ducking little ones, and how he had come back for TJ while Miss Angel was talking to another lady and how he pulled TJ down by his ankle so hard and held him until that he had couldn't come up, and Jimmy didn't know how but he couldn't let that happen, it was wrong, it was just wrong to hurt little kids, and water could be dangerous, and was Drizzle going to be mad?

No, Maura had thought, how could anyone be angry at such bravery? He had only done exactly what Jane had done herself on the playground all those years ago to protect the smaller children, except this time someone knew the truth and Maura wasn't going to let him be punished for it.

"TJ was wearing a flotation device," Maura said, "so the force necessary to hold him under the water was sufficient to leave bruising on his ankle which should be fully developed in the next 24 hours. I admit that my exam was cursory and visual only, but I can provide confirmation of that for you later."

"You sound very, um, confident about all this?" Thomas said, but not unkindly. "Are you a medical doctor?"

Maura unsnapped the clasp of her wallet and held up her credentials. "I'm the chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and if this were a courtroom, the judge would be getting ready to dismiss this case on the basis of my testimony, so what I'd really like to talk about is what we're going to do to prevent this from ever happening again."

By her side, Maura heard Jimmy's breathing coming at a rapid, shallow rate but when she glanced to him, ready to smile and reassure, she saw that he wasn't upset. He was staring at her in disbelief and wonder. It was the same adoring look Jane gave her from the courtroom gallery when she flatly refuted the defense team's expert witness and made the judge's eyes narrow.

Thomas cocked his head. "It really sounds like there's a lot more to what happened today. What I'd like to see happen now is…"

Maura had always thought of herself as a polite person, too much so Jane often said. But not today.

"Thomas. If it's helpful, let me tell you what I _don't_ want to see happen. I don't want to see a child like Jimmy having to step in and do an adult's job because no one is aware of the situation." Maura pointed out the window overlooking the pool area. "When I arrived, I saw that you had lifeguards posted for the main swimming pool and the diving area, but no one dedicated to the smaller end where children are more likely to swim, at least not today. Were you aware that it's possible to drown in as little as six centimeters of water?"

Thomas's eyes were wide with a combination of respect and trepidation. Maura was accustomed to seeing it in suspects and defense attorneys but she didn't have time to feel the usual gratification. All she cared about was settling this for Jimmy and getting him back to the house where he could feel safe again.

"While we do meet the state requirements, but we've had a lot more swimmers than usual because they closed the pool on Gaines. We're advertising now for two more positions to fill in through the rest of the summer."

Maura smiled. "Good. I'll contact your office to see how that's going and when you're fully staffed, if Jimmy wants to come back, maybe we can try that on a day that's not quite so crowded."

Thomas looked not to her but to Jimmy who was barely breathing as he followed the exchange between the adults. "I think that'd be great if Jimmy wants to."

Maura stood and shook hands again, but as they turned to go she added: "You mentioned a two strike policy. I'd suggest checking your records to see if this Donny has ever been cautioned about roughhousing with young children before."

Slowly, Thomas sat back in his chair as a grim smile spread across his ruddy face. "I think the expression I'll be using with his mother tonight is, 'out of the pool'."

* * *

Throughout the meeting, Jimmy had waited quietly beside Maura, almost like a frightened rabbit waiting to see which way he should break, but once everything had resolved he had begun making small lurching motions towards the door. Rather than frustrate him with questions as they walked back to the Prius, Maura had unlocked it remotely and Jimmy ran ahead to climb in and buckle his seat belt without needing to be asked. That was one thing at least he hadn't gotten from Jane.

Maura sat for a moment before starting the car, her hands gripping the steering wheel until she felt steady once more. She had been angry—polite, but angry. She had told a public civil servant that this child deserved better and she had gotten her way. The fierce, protective feelings that were welling up inside her were unfamiliar, frightening and strangely wonderful.

She looked over to Jimmy as he sat with his hands in his lap, drumming his legs rhythmically a few inches above the floorboards. She had a nearly uncontrollable urge to touch his hair which she managed to stifle. "Are you all right?" she asked softly.

Jimmy nodded his head in three quick jerks. She could see where tear tracks had dried against his face earlier but Jane didn't like it when she made too much of a fuss over that and he was probably no different.

"Do we hafta tell Drizzle?" It was barely more than a whisper.

Maura nodded. "Yes."

Jimmy's eyes darted up to hers, desperate and alert. "I…not s'pposed to fight. Get in trouble."

"But sometimes there's a good reason to fight," Maura said quietly. "Drizzle fights to protect people and today you protected someone who couldn't help himself. You stood up to a bully and that was very brave. She's going to be so proud of you, Jimmy. I know I am."

It was slow in starting, as if he could hardly believe his ears, but as it grew Jimmy's smile overwhelmed his face so that his gums were even more visible than his teeth. His legs swung twice as hard and he was nearly bouncing with relief in his seat, beaming up at her with shining hazel eyes.

Brushing Jimmy's shoulder, Maura pointed across the parking lot and two blocks further up the road to the clearly recognizable structure of a giant ice cream cone. Its plastic double scoop was hung with a banner announcing two-for-one cones that afternoon until 6 o'clock.

"I don't know if they have ChocoBlast Surprise," she said, "but do you want to find out?"

If anyone had told Maura Rizzoli-Isles that ice cream was the secret to parenting, she would have laughed in their face, but as she was finding out even geniuses could still have a lot to learn.


	7. Chapter 7

Maura and Jimmy sat opposite each other on a wire-backed chairs at a small glass-topped corner table in the ice cream parlor's seating area. She had chosen it for the clear view of the road as cars seemed to interest Jimmy and at least he would have something to look at while they ate in case the conversation turned awkward. So far though he had been positively chatty as they waited in line, volunteering details about the day he had spent with Miss Angel and TJ at the park before they went to the pool.

He had quieted a little though as the cashier talked to Maura and then wanted to sit down as quickly as possible to begin lapping at the double scoop of mint chocolate chip and dark chocolate. Maura had a feeling that something in Jimmy's mood had shifted slightly, but as she was fond of telling Jane, she didn't listen to her intestines. But maybe it was time to start.

"How does your wrist feel?" Maura asked as she carefully spooned up her nonfat lemon sorbet.

Jimmy shrugged which Maura was coming to understand was boy-code for _fine_. He flexed it for her and she felt confident that he had simply bruised the heel of his palm when he fell in the fight, not actually damaged the joint. But she still felt something prodding at her, unfamiliar but insistent. It was similar to the eerie, calm feeling that came to her in the lab when she had every piece of the solution in front of her and all she needed to do was nudge them into place. _Gently, gently…_

"Is everything all right?" Maura asked. Jimmy shrugged again, swinging his feet a little harder so that the chair wobbled on its legs. He had licked the same spot on his cone four times now.

"Do you haf' any pictures?" he blurted.

That certainly wasn't what Maura had expected. "What kind of pictures?" When he didn't answer, as if the question itself was all he could manage, she said, "I have a funny picture of Drizzle from last Halloween. It's on my phone."

She had talked Jane into going to the Alzheimers Association masked ball fundraiser as a pirate, which really wasn't that much of a stretch. They had lasted through the charity auction before Jane had decided that Maura's tavern wench costume (which she had researched meticulously) really, _really_ needed to come off. Maura had managed to fend her off until they reached the car and thankfully the parking garage didn't have sufficient security camera coverage as they realized they weren't going to be able to reach the house in time. The picture she had taken of Jane before the event was the only remaining evidence as the costume had experienced something of a terminal malfunction in their haste to remove it.

Jimmy shook his head. "No."

"OK, a different kind of picture?"

"Like on your arm."

Maura frowned, thinking, then brightened. "Oh, a tattoo?" Jimmy shrugged and now he was breathing a little harder, like Jane verging on a flashback. "No," she assured him quickly. "I don't, but lots of people do."

Jimmy squirmed in his seat. "Does Drizzle haf' one?"

"No," Maura said. "I've checked."

"Are you sure you don't haf' a picture?"

She slipped out of her cobalt blue Rag and Bone blazer which left her arms bare in a sleeveless patterned Givenchy dress so he could see for himself while she wracked her memory for what could have brought on the question. There would have been a dozen tattoos visible at the pool today surely, but Jimmy had only asked just now, and it was when…

The cashier.

As he had handed the change to Maura for their ice cream, the short sleeve of his uniform shirt had pulled up and exposed a thin round symbol, familiar to her from Egyptian mythology. Jimmy wouldn't know what an ouroboros was or the symbolism of eternal rebirth as the snake devoured its own tail. For that matter, the cashier might not know what it meant either. Maura had found that a distressing number of people had no idea what the Chinese characters they marked on themselves actually meant, but Jane had convinced her to stop informing complete strangers of the correct translations.

"But no, Jimmy," Maura said. "No tattoos, I promise."

He smiled at that, small and furtive, and Maura knew that before the night was over, she would be on Google, putting in every search term she could think of, trying to make sense of this. But for now, Jimmy needed something else to think about.

"You can show your wrist to Drizzle when she comes home. She hurt her ankle once, did you know that? She had to wear a brace and use crutches and she couldn't run after criminals."

Jimmy's expression was doubtful but interested. "How did she caught them?"

Maura tapped her temple with one finger. "She's so smart, she figured out who the bad guys were and then she sent other people to chase them." Det. Frost had been all too happy once Jane was cleared for full active physical duty again, though he had continued making jokes about lame ducks and other useless creatures.

"Did you fix Drizzle?" Jimmy had worked his way down to the level of the cone and had chocolate on his nose. For some inexplicable reason, Maura found that she had dampened her thumb against her tongue and was fighting the urge to reach out and wipe the smudge away. Surprised at herself, she handed him a napkin instead.

"Well." Maura considered how to explain this side of Jane to the detective's biggest fan. "Drizzle doesn't usually like doctors, so it's a little difficult to get her to sit still long enough for them to help her."

"You're a doctor," Jimmy said deliberately. "She likes you forever, so you can fix Drizzle. Does Drizzle fixes you?"

Maura smiled, wiping her hands on another of the napkins she had collected from the dispenser by the register. "Yes, I suppose so."

Jimmy popped the very tip of the cone in his mouth and crunched vigorously. "What did you break?"

_My heart. And then she found all the pieces and glued them back together into something so much stronger. _"Do you know how sometimes you feel scared of the dark?" she asked. "Well, even grown ups are scared of things too. My parents sent me away to school when I was little and I didn't live with them anymore, so I've always been scared of other people."

"What did you do?"

"I studied science and art, and I learned to speak French and Italian, and I…"

"No." Jimmy stared up at her and there was something unexpectedly old in his eyes. "What'd you do so they di'n't want you anymore?"

That was a question Maura had never been willing to ask herself before. "I don't know," she said quietly. "But it made me believe that no one would ever want to be my friend and I was very sad for a long time. Then I met Drizzle and she helped me not be scared anymore."

"How long haf' Drizzle let you stay?"

Maura had to smile at that. A better question would have been how long had it been since their sixth date when Jane had simply announced that they were meant to be together so they needed to decide which house to keep, and by the way she had two boxes of things in the car outside, so was now a good time to bring them in? The boxes had barely made it over the threshold before Maura had suggested they measure the bedroom for additional shelves, but nothing of the kind had ended up happening. Other things, yes. But not that.

After that night, Jane had wasted less than 48 hours before formally popping the question. All it had taken was Maura stumbling into a standoff between a suspect and half of Charlie shift in the BPD parking structure. After a sniper placed a legshot that disabled the gunman, Jane had managed to simultaneously arrest and propose all in a single jumbled declaration. Frost had dubbed it The Mauranda Rights as Jane had informed the suspect that he had the right to an attorney and that if he had anything to say he should speak now but to be aware that he would be held against her every night, for better or for worse, so help her God, I do.

"Six years," Maura said. "Next month will be seven. That's almost as long as you've been alive."

Jimmy's expression either conveyed amazement or disbelief; it was hard to tell. "How long is it now?" He was holding out his wrist where she had fastened her watch earlier. It had taken no small amount of determination for Maura to hand over the Cartier, which cost more than the entire building structure they were currently sitting in. _It's insured_, she had chanted, _it's insured_. "How long until we see Drizzle?"

She had managed to get a text through to Korsak who had promised her he would deliver Jane on time himself even if he had to bring the interrogation room along with them. "Let's see, the little hand…" Maura walked him through the steps she had heard Jane use to determine the time and helped Jimmy calculate that they could go home to see Drizzle when the big hand reached the 12 again. "So, we still have 45 minutes. I have an idea."

Maura looked over his shoulder and out through the storefront window again to confirm what she had seen earlier. She dampened a paper napkin at the water fountain and wiped Jimmy's sticky hands off until they gleamed. Grumbling, he wiped them on the seat of his shorts as if he had to do this for himself.

"My hands are clean now too. See?" She held them up, front then back. "Do you know why we had to do that?"

Jimmy looked at her, his eyes heavy with suspicion, not unlike the way Jane would stare at her when she tried to sneak couscous onto the dinner menu without discussing it in advance. He shook his head. Maura pointed, prompting him to turn around to see what had been waiting just 30 yards away across the street the entire time. There in the window of a small crowded bookshop was the distinctive oval yellow and black logo of…

"Batman," he whispered.

* * *

Maura had never been to a comic book store before, though she had a general sense of what one would be like. What surprised her was the wide array of items available besides comics, from action figures that Det. Frost would have found fascinating to t-shirts, games and videos. She was pleasantly surprised that she felt no more out of place than usual, and even a bit confident for having just watched a superhero cartoon the night before.

Maura had decided to leave the car parked where it was and cross the street at the light, so she had showed Jimmy how to press the button and wait for the signal. As they set out, she felt a slight tug on her blazer and looked down to find him holding on to the bottom hem with one hand, as if this were as much as he could bring himself to ask. Consciously, she had slowed her steps so he could keep up easily until they reached the other curb.

After they entered the store, she sent Jimmy to browse the new comics rack, having already discussed that he could pick any two issues he wanted, provided she approved. And, Maura thought, that might be difficult given some of the biologically disproportionate representations of women that she was seeing displayed on posters and cardboard cutouts.

"Hi. Can I-I…can I help you? Find something?"

Maura turned to see a thickset, cleanshaven middle-aged man with graying hair leaning on the register counter. His nose had been broken, probably in childhood, and not set correctly to Maura's eye. It gave him a passing resemblance to one of the superheroes plastered on the walls and she wondered if he liked that. He seemed startled to see her and she wondered if they had met somewhere before. But then, she had the oddest feeling that _every_ man in the store was staring at her, but Jane had assured her that happened frequently. Oddly enough, Maura realized, there were no other women anywhere to be seen.

"Possibly, thank you." She smiled gratefully and the ballpoint pen that the man—the owner she assumed—was holding slipped through numb fingers to clatter on the counter. "I don't want to be a bother, but do you have a moment? I'm sort of new to this and I have some questions."

The man's laryngeal prominence bobbed as he swallowed hard and nodded. "Sure. Are you looking for a present? Oh, sorry." He dropped his voice and smiled apologetically. "I didn't see you had your son with you."

Maura glanced to confirm that Jimmy was still standing by the new comics rack, mouth half-open as he paged through the latest adventures. "Actually, he's…well, yes, could we speak over there?" She pointed to the far end of the counter, still within easy eyesight of Jimmy but well out of earshot.

"Sure, what're you interested in?" The owner hastily cleared aside a stack of graphic novels so Maura could join him.

Maura set her bag on the counter, took out her wallet and opened her checkbook. An impressive array of credit cards gleamed in their slots in the opposite flap. She left it lying open on the counter between them as she looked the owner steadily in the eye.

"I need you to explain little boys to me and I'm prepared to pay."

* * *

Three afternoons later, the latest issue of _Vogue Paris_ lay open and neglected across Maura's lap. Her eyes barely skimmed the text as she glanced repeatedly at her watch. Fall fashion, usually her favorite season, had never been less interesting. She checked her mobile phone again, just in case she had accidentally turned the sound off and Jane had tried to call. When they had met for lunch in Maura's office that afternoon, a new regular date they had established for Tuesdays and Thursdays, Jane had said she was leaving early to pick Jimmy up from her mother's and then taking him to the park but they would be back for dinner.

"And that means pizza," Jane had added, then stared at her until she was sure Maura nodded. "You can get whatever you want on yours, but Jimmy wants pepperoni and what I want is for you not to work on anything in the kitchen. Just relax for a while, OK? Have some downtime."

The promised pizzas had arrived just five minutes ago and were waiting under the oven's warming light, but Maura's stomach was somersaulting so rapidly within her that she couldn't imagine trying to put any food in it.

Just then the kitchen door burst open followed by the sound of Jimmy's high-pitched laughter. Maura leapt to her feet, then forced herself to casually replace the magazine on the coffee table as if she had simply been lounging without any thought for what was waiting upstairs, if she had made the right decision, or if this was all about to blow up in her face.

"I don't know," Jane said from the kitchen. "She's not under the table. Did you check the refrigerator?"

"No," Jimmy shouted back. "Ma'am not in the fridgdator."

Maura walked back to the kitchen, realizing that every cupboard might be torn apart if she didn't make an appearance. "I thought I heard someone come in. How was…oh, those are _beautiful_."

Jimmy turned so quickly at the sound of her voice that he nearly lost his balance. She saw that Jane had changed him into the dark blue Captain America t-shirt Maura had bought for him at The Comic Rack, along with three issues of Batman not two. He had planted his Converse sneakers firmly in the kitchen entranceway with his hands clasped into a double-knotted fist around a bundle of wildflowers that he held up to her. There were traces of dirt still clinging to some of the roots and one clump dropped away to the floor. Maura didn't have the slightest urge to sweep it up. It could stay there for a month for all she cared.

"Tell her, buddy," Jane said out of the corner of her mouth.

Jimmy's face pulled into a look of concentration. "These are for you. We picked them. It's OK. They din't belong to anyone."

Behind his back, Jane rolled her eyes as she took down a glass vase from the top shelf and Maura stifled a smile. She could only imagine how the original rehearsal had gone. She thanked Jimmy profusely for the flowers and identified each one by name—daisy, mountain rose, and Jacob's Ladder—and had nearly started on the scientific names when she stopped herself and simply said _thank you_ again.

Jane came to hug her and Maura kept one arm around her waist, diverting her attention away from the oven and the waiting pizzas. "I have something to show you too."

"Oh yeah? Does it have pepperoni and extra cheese on it?"

Maura shook her head and looked down at Jimmy who was watching them both. "No, it's actually for Jimmy. If dinner can wait five minutes, I'd like to show you now."

She had been dying to tell Jane about what she was planning for three full days, ever since she had finished her hushed conference with the owner of The Comic Rack and collected the phone numbers and information he had provided along with her own jotted notes. He had refused to take payment for his part in the plan, but wanted her to come back to report on how everything had turned out. In the end she had decided to wait to tell Jane, too afraid that she might lose her nerve at the whole idea. Maura forced herself to take a steadying breath at the thought of what would happen if Jimmy was upset by what she had done. Could he ever like her even half as much as his Drizzle? Despite Jane's reassurances, Maura had come to realize that this question mattered enormously to her.

Jane shrugged and looked to Jimmy. "Can you hold out five more minutes? Maura's got a surprise for us." The boy gave her a squint-eyed, tough little nod and she patted him on the shoulder.

Permission granted, Maura led the way upstairs, keeping one hand on the railing for her own reassurance. As she pushed open the door to the yoga room, she stood back to watch Jane's face first for a reaction, trusting it to mirror Jimmy's. When Jane's eyes went wide in shock and her jaw slackened, Maura felt her heart dip hard.

"Wh-what happened…y-yoga room?"

Before Maura could say that they could always change it back, Jane had taken an unsteady step forward and turned on the overhead light for a clearer look. "Oh my God," Jane breathed. "Buddy?" Jimmy stood transfixed, eyes darting as if he couldn't find a single point to fix on. He seemed just as stunned but managed to trail along in Jane's wake as she slowly crossed the room.

"I-I probably should have asked," Maura said miserably. "But we had so much fun together that night and I thought…"

What had she thought? With all her degrees, commendations and publications, Maura Rizzoli-Isles had no idea what a child needed, but for one single deluded moment she had tried. She had given it her very best and now, in the tears beginning to run down Jimmy's face, was all the evidence she needed that she shouldn't have bothered.

"Maura." Jane was looking at her in utter shock. "It's fu…phenomenal. It's amazing. My God. What…how did…where did you get this?"

Suddenly all the blood had come back to her head and the room was light and spinning. Maura crossed the room, impulsively drawn to them but she just stopped short of hugging Jane for the reassurance she needed.

"Easy, bud." Jane was laughing and staring down at her leg where Jimmy had attached himself like a human tourniquet. "I need that leg. You like it? Yeah, I know, it's awesome!"

Jimmy was struggling to breathe but he finally choked out, "Than'u, Drizzle."

"Not me, little man. Maura did this. And this is…just, wow."

Together they stared at the birchwood structure that occupied the entire far wall of the room. Built around the concept of a bunk bed, the top loft was large enough to support a queen-sized mattress, piled high with pillows. It was fitted out with a black duvet turned back to show yellow sheets patterned with bats. A built in ladder ran up one of the narrow ends of the loft with hand railings painted to look like stalactites. On top at the head of the mattress, there was a flat area that served as a side table laid out with a stack of comic books and a reading lamp with a flexible neck. A low safety railing extended up along the side of the mattress and was disguised as the side profile of the Batmobile.

The walls of the cubby underneath the loft were painted to resemble the Gotham city skyline with lights on in every building and stars shining above the clouds. Atop the tallest skyscraper, the silhouette of the Caped Crusader was outlined against the shining full moon. The built in shelves held all the toys Jimmy had been given so far—his baseball glove, a canister of Lincoln Logs, a set of plastic dinosaurs, a radio controlled police car, and the teddy bear he had gotten from one of the uniforms who always kept a few in his patrol car for frightened children. Maura had added enough illustrated chapter books and children's classics to stock a small elementary school library. There was a plush black beanbag in one corner and a flat screen mounted at the opposite narrow end of the loft above a child-sized desk with wires running down to connect to the portable DVD player. A stack of new videos lay beside it with titles ranging from _Dinosaur Train_ and _Sid the Science Kid_ to _Justice League_ and _Batman Beyond_.

On the floor, a play mat was rolled out which showed the outline of the street layout of a town. All Jimmy needed to do was open the clear plastic tubs of Legos stacked in the other corner and set up the homes, hospital, mechanic's garage, and of course the police station. Jane was already down on her hands and knees with Jimmy, crawling around the underside of the loft and exploring every nook while Maura watched, feeling her face strain from the smile she simply couldn't contain.

"Drizzle, look…"

"Hang on, I see it, hang on…"

Maura felt the smile turn into a giggle, then wondered when the last time was that she had giggled—had she _ever_? Well, she had now, and it was over the sight of her wife and this boy trying to open a sealed package of DC Universe Superheroes Legos (in particular, a scale model of the Batwing). Jane finally produced a multi-tool and slit away the plastic shrinkwrap while giving Jimmy a lecture on why he wasn't going to get a pocketknife of his own and no, he couldn't ask Ma'am for one either, no way.

Maura sat down, carefully folding her legs under her to join them. "I don't mean to interrupt, but there are a few things you might not have noticed."

Jane and Jimmy froze with their hands locked on the Lego box between as they stared at her blankly, then each other, then broke into a chorus of questions.

"Well," Maura said with infuriating slowness, "there are hidden compartments around the interior of the Batcave and it's your job to find them all. Some of them have things hidden in them, but that's a surprise. You can also keep anything in them that you want to be safe, but there's just one rule," Maura said. She raised her eyebrows, waiting for Jimmy to nod that he was listening. "No keeping food in the secret compartments. Yes, mold can grow in caves but there's no reason to make it grow in this one."

Jimmy nodded, lips pressed together. Maura could see his eyes flickering along the underside of the loft, searching the seams and joints, but it would be a little more challenging for him than that. Crispin, an aspiring architect as well as the nephew of the owner of The Comic Rack, had made sure of that. When he had come that morning to help assemble the structure that he had dropped all his other projects to design for Maura, he had gone over every detail and even helped her rehearse the best way to explain the different features, then gently corrected her when she called it the Bat Cavern.

"And," she continued, "every Batcave needs a communications center." She pointed to the backside of one of the loft's bedposts where a series of buttons was set flush with the wood. "If you press the top button, that rings the intercom in the kitchen. The middle button rings the study. And the red button," she said severely, "which you only push for emergencies, rings our bedroom."

"We, uh," Jane said, "we don't have an intercom system."

"We do as of 3 p.m. today. And this…" Maura stood, drawing Jimmy and Jane after her like obedient ducklings. "This button at the top of the ladder is for bedtime. Do you want to try it out now?"

Excited past the point of speech, Jimmy scrambled up the ladder, flopping face first onto the mattress, then pulled himself up to sit cross-legged. He nodded to let Maura know he was ready and she turned out the overhead light and signaled him to press the button. Against the far wall, a giant yellow oval glow appeared and at its center was the familiar comforting winged symbol.

"The Bat-Signal," Jane whispered. "You built a…a giant Batman night light."

"You're not getting one," Maura whispered back. "There's a one per household limit." She turned the overhead back on and waited for Jimmy to safely clamber down the ladder. But instead of pouncing back on his Legos or exploring the loft or putting in a video or pushing every button to test them all, Jimmy stood in front of Maura. His breath came unsteadily as he opened and closed his mouth helplessly. Very slowly Maura crouched down but didn't reach out. "You're welcome," she said quietly, which was all it took.

"Ma'am," he choked, face smashed against her shoulder as his arms tangled around her neck. "It's…ma'am."

"Hey bud." Jane had let a moment pass before she knelt beside them, trying to ease his attention away from a very startled Maura. "We've got pizza downstairs but do you wanna play for a while first?"

The way Jimmy looked at her said that clearly this was one of the stupider questions anyone had asked him in his short life.

"Actually," Maura said, "if you want to help me with the plates, Jane, maybe we could all eat up here. Jimmy, do you want to pick out a movie? We can just stay in here tonight. Yes? All right, give us a minute to get downstairs and you can try out the intercom button and tell us what you want to drink."

Jane pulled Maura to her feet and they started down the stairs to the kitchen together. "How the hell did you pull this off, Maur?" The shock was gradually wearing off but she had been just as stunned as Jimmy was at the sight of the loft.

"IKEA, Home Depot, overnight delivery, and the nephew of the owner of The Comic Rack who's saving up to go to architect school."

Jane stopped on the landing below her so they were at eye level. She shook her head, trying to absorb everything, and simply gave up in favor of kissing Maura. "You're a genius."

"Yes, I know," Maura said mildly. "But more importantly, for once I seem to have also gotten the right answer."

* * *

A/N: When I was little, my Dad built me a loft just like this with a different theme (love you, Dad). I'd like to think that once she had the hang of it, Maura's eye for design and her desire to make others happy would combine to create something truly wonderful for a child.


	8. Chapter 8

When Jane finally came to bed that night, it was with a weary but triumphant grin. "D'you know what you've done?" she said in a hushed tone as she took Maura her arms and half-spun her around the room. "Geez, that kid's _never_ gonna get to sleep."

"Children need approximately nine hours of sleep a night, so you might be surprised at how long he'll stay in bed once he falls asleep."

"Yeah, but he's never gonna get there if he keeps clicking that night light on and off and on and off."

"Oh." Maura hadn't thought of that. "Well, I bought an extra bulb. Perhaps I should order some more."

Jane was still walking them in tiny circles like a gradually tightening corkscrew. "Or maybe I should ask myself how the hell I got so lucky?"

"No," Maura demurred. "I simply took your advice and thought of Jimmy as a younger version of you. You told me how you and Frankie wanted to build a tree house but you didn't have any trees so you tried to build a cave out of plywood but then it rained, so…was that close?"

"Hell yeah! I think _I_ want one. It's amazing, it's perfect, it's... But where are you gonna do yoga? I, um, flexible is good. For health. And other stuff."

Maura chuckled at Jane's worried expression and kissed her lightly. "Let me worry about that. Jimmy needs the room more."

"So," Jane cleared her throat, "that looked like a kinda permanent structure."

"It could be disassembled," Maura allowed. "But not easily. I imagine that's how you feel giving him up."

Jane was hardly breathing, simply standing now with Maura in her arms. Her eyes were alert and adoring in a way that usually made Maura wonder just what she had done to deserve that look, the one that turned her joints to water. Tonight though she thought she knew why.

"Sweetie, you can't do this just because you think I want it. I'm not going to let you take on something you're not ready for because you want to make me happy. You already do. Please don't say yes just because you want to make up for...I mean…"

_For the one we lost._

"I do want him," Maura said simply. "I would want him even if I were pregnant now. I want to try, and not just because you do too. You were right—I needed more time and to not be so hard on myself. I know he's more attached to you, you're his Drizzle, but eventually he could grow to…"

"Hey, what happened to not being hard on yourself?" Jane stared down into her eyes, waiting for her to nod. "We'll take it one day at a time, just like everything else. As soon as Jimmy gets over this crush he's got on you, not that I ever did, he'll be bouncing around like a normal little kid and driving you crazy just like I do and you'll have a cool nickname too."

Maura looked hopeful. "Better than Poindexter?"

"Definitely. I, um," Jane looked as though she were debating the wisdom of finishing her thought. "Y'know, I had a nickname for you even before we met."

"How is that possible?"

"I mean, I knew who you were and I'd seen you around the station some, but we hadn't had a case together yet. Frost asked me something about a tox screen and I told him he should go check with you, but I blanked on your name and I called you the, um, DILF."

"A what?"

"Doctor I'd Like to…y'know."

Maura waited, then suddenly realized what the F stood for and let out a small squeak of surprise. "Did you really? Honestly, Jane Rizzoli, you didn't even know me!"

"Didn't need to," Jane smirked. "I took one look and I knew you were the one I wanted to be with, wake up with, and have a family with."

Maura decided against suggesting an alternate way of expressing the sentiment that wouldn't end in a preposition. "Before you say anything else that makes me want to marry you all over again, I have something for you."

Maura backed out of Jane's arms and went to retrieve a folder from the dresser. She sat down on the end of the bed, gesturing for Jane to join her.

"I came up with an unexpected lead and I've done a lot of digging in the last few days. This is everything I've been able to uncover about Jimmy's situation."

Jane's face grew taut and her fingertips tested the edges of the folder without opening it. "Do I want to read this?"

Maura took Jane's other hand in her own. "There's nothing in there that would prevent us from adopting him, but some of it isn't easy to read."

Jane folded back the top flap and let her eyes skim over the photos Maura had pulled up from her searches through the law enforcement resources.

"After we left the pool the day Jimmy got into a fight protecting TJ, we stopped to get ice cream and the cashier had an ouroboros tattooed on his arm. Jimmy had a very strong reaction to it and he asked me if either of us had tattoos. He was obviously very wary of anyone who had a tattoo and specifically, I think, of that image. I went back to the store and the cashier agreed to let me take a picture, this one here. Using that, I found three hits in the Tattoo Recognition Database. One of the matches is currently in prison and another is on probation in Western Massachusetts for 'borrowing' BMWs, but this one..."

Maura reached around Jane, their arms brushing, and flipped to the next page.

"This is Jared Mikkels, a known drug dealer operating in the radius of the neighborhood where Jimmy was found. He's been arrested twice for possession with intent. Heroin, both times. I haven't shown this picture to Jimmy, but the tattoo design is very distinctive and I think there's a good chance that he could be the dealer who supplied Jimmy's relative, the victim at the scene, with the heroin that led to her overdose."

"I'm not even going to tease you about knowing what an oorubooboo is." Jane kissed her soundly, then began eagerly flipping through Mikkels' file as Maura rested her head on Jane's shoulder. "We can pick him up, get him into the box and see if we can flip him on his supplier. I'd like to keep Jimmy out of it, but maybe he can give us an ID if we need it. Once we have an arrest, maybe Jimmy will start feeling safer and he'll open up more and…wow, Maura…"

When several minutes had passed, Maura spoke again. "There's something else. I ran the DNA we got from the victim in a different way."

Jane's hands stilled on the pages, one index finger underlining a contact number. "What did you find?"

"When I widened the search to include juvenile records, I found a partial match with a rape kit done on a 15-year-old girl in Dorchester ten years ago. The reason we didn't find anything the first time is that the charges were never filed so the results weren't retained in the main databases. The mitochondrial DNA indicates the rape kit sample was from a close relative of the victim whose body was found with Jimmy. When I ran the rape kit DNA against Jimmy's, it confirmed that the girl was his mother."

Jane nodded, the smallest inclination, as she rolled her lips, moistening them. "Do you have a name?"

"Cheryl Zimmerman." Maura turned to the very back of the file. "Runaway, parents deceased, and given the frequency of the prostitution charges, it looks like that was her primary occupation. She died five years ago in a fire resulting from a faulty space heater."

"Jesus," Jane muttered. The black-and-white crime scene photos showed the gutted and charred wreckage of a one bedroom apartment. "Place went up like a Roman candle."

"No one else was there at the time. Perhaps," Maura offered, "she stayed in touch with the victim from your case, probably her sister given the ages, and Jimmy was staying with his aunt if his mother was working that night. He would barely have been two-years-old at the time and he might not remember her at all. That would explain why he's never tried to call you Mommy—he simply doesn't have a concept. There's no father on the birth certificate or mention of other family, but you could work backwards from Cheryl Zimmerman's records to get an ID for the aunt and use that when you charge the supplier of the bad heroin if Mikkels gives you a name."

"I don't know if I feel better or worse now." Jane gave her a half-smile that was at odds with itself. "If you can show me how to solve all my cases like that without leaving the lab, maybe we can spend more time together. But then I have to admit to Frost that computers really are the future of police work."

"A computer wouldn't have told you to search all the closets," Maura countered. "That was your intestines talking. Without them, demolition could have gone ahead on the building with Jimmy still inside." For some reason that possibility, so matter-of-fact when they had first recovered the boy at the scene, upset her with unexpected force. Nothing bad had actually happened, but just the thought that something _could_ have happened to Jimmy made her have an irrational but no less profound emotional reaction. Maura hadn't realized that children could have such an effect on her logical processes; she would need to be careful that this didn't spill over into work.

"On the other hand," Jane was saying, "with that background, we've got a great shot at adopting him, but he's had such a rough start."

"So did I," Maura said quietly, "in a way. But then you found me and I think I've turned out all right."

Jane's smile grew, spreading out to encompass them both as she cupped Maura's face and kissed her again. "You're absolutely amazing. Got anything else? This year's Super Bowl winner?"

Maura considered it soberly. "No, but I could check the pre-season standings for you. They should be indicative of future performance."

Jane kissed her again, more thoroughly, and while Maura didn't completely understand—everything she had said seemed perfectly logical to her—neither did she object. It had been a very, very long three weeks since they had been alone together.

"That reminds me." Maura stretched to reach the dresser again and retrieved a black and tan tri-fold brochure. "The young man who helped build the loft works for this company on the side."

"Acoustic Alchemy?"

"They do installation for recording studios, radio stations, anywhere that requires acoustically sealed rooms. Soundproofing. Because let's be honest, Jane, we're not used to having an extra set of ears around and I don't want to spend the next ten years of my married life until he leaves for college screaming into a pillow."

Jane swallowed hard and seemed to lose focus for a moment. "OK, uh, yes." She flipped the brochure over, searching for a phone number. "9 a.m., I'll call. Uh, first thing."

"I think that would be wise."

Jane's hands were on her shoulders now, rubbing her palms lightly over Maura's upper arms. Maura had teased her once that it seemed like she was using the aboriginal technique for firestarting through friction and Jane had simply grinned and asked if it was working.

"Do you think you can be quiet just for tonight?" Jane's voice had dropped an octave.

"Actually," Maura said, "I was being polite. _I_ am not the reason we're banned from the changing rooms at Neiman Marcus."

"I knew you were going to bring that up," Jane muttered. "Sweetie, that wasn't my fault. You're the one who said, and I quote, 'Please come back and give me your opinion'."

"Your opinion, yes. I didn't mean for you to lock the door behind you and blurt out 'Hands against the wall'."

"It was lingerie, Maura, and it was black. You know what that does to me. It wasn't my fault and I think my opinion was pretty damn clear."

"If you had just been patient and waited until we got back to the car, I told you I was willing to...wait, what…" Maura lost her words as Jane had tipped them back onto the bed and was pursuing her until they turned into a laughing, squirming tangle.

"Are you wearing black now? You are, aren't you?"

"Possibly," she gasped. "You'll have to check and see."

Jane began pulling pillows away from the headboard and creating a burrow for them as their bodies twined and slowly began the familiar dance.

"Careful," Maura whispered. "We don't have anything installed yet."

"Why do you think I'm building you a pillow fort?"

Maura shivered involuntarily as she felt Jane's body slide across hers, that familiar, comforting weight pressing her down into the duvet's softness. She let out a soft, pleading whine as Jane's mouth found her throat and a warm flush came over her.

"Hurry," she whispered, "please." She was trying feverishly not to think about Jimmy in his new room down the hall and wondered how long it would take before he came in search of his Drizzle.

"I locked the door." Jane's voice, the wonderfully sexy rasp, was just outside her ear, and the top two buttons on Maura's blouse were a thing of the past. "We've got time."

Maura tried not to think what would happen if she heard the insistent tapping at the door or a rattling knob at the worst possible moment. She reached for Jane's belt and managed to work the buckle free before Jane caught her hands.

"No."

Maura cocked one eyebrow. "That's a first."

"No, you're what's first." Jane's voice cracked unexpectedly and she swallowed hard as she propped herself up on her elbows. "I guess…maybe I don't let you know that enough, but you always come first for me. It's easy to let you take care of everything because you want to help and you're so good at it, but that's not why I love you. I just do, end of story. It's not about what you do for me, it's about…you."

Reflexively, Maura tried to say _thank you_ but found that she couldn't. The look of earnest concern in her wife's dark eyes was so overwhelming that she couldn't dismiss it with a simple phrase.

"So I need you to listen," Jane said. "You've done more for me just now than I think I could ever do for you in my entire life, so at least let me take care of you, OK? Let me show you how you make me feel."

Unsteadily, Maura nodded as her heart experienced a multi-beat collision before it righted itself. Jane had pushed the hair back from her neck and was kissing her now, nipping her way from collarbone to ear.

"I want you to lay back and trust me," Jane murmured. "Don't think for once, just feel."

Maura decided that now would be a very bad time to discuss the difference between lay and lie, not when getting laid was at stake. "I've missed you," she sighed as every button and snap was duly loosened and her blouse was lost somewhere in the covers.

Jane brushed against her ear, tracing the outer shell with her lips. "How bad?"

"Badly," Maura sighed. "Very, very, _ohgod_, badly." She pressed up into Jane as they fell into a kiss that was deep, hungry and primal. The kiss continued for long minutes until Jane broke away to trace the line of her throat, then paused to nuzzle at the front clasp of her bra, which was indeed black. Maura forced herself to breathe, resting her hands lightly against her wife's shoulders, but Jane still hesitated.

Then, somehow, in the midst of the rising heat, Maura understood. Every time they had talked about a baby, all the late nights curled on the couch or lazy Saturday mornings in bed, she had described to Jane how she planned to nurse, what it meant for bonding, how special it would be, and a thousand other details while Jane had simply smiled and whispered that it all sounded wonderful as long as he had Maura's eyes. But she would never have a baby now; they both knew that: she would never hold a child to her breast to let him suckle and nurse. Jane, even more aware of Maura's feelings than she was herself, was asking permission now.

With unnatural steadiness, Maura found the clasp and unfastened it, letting the bra fall away and with it all her harbored guilt, longings and regret. She let her hand settle over the back of Jane's head and gently urged her. With a tenderness Maura hadn't imagined possible, Jane took her in her mouth and Maura let her head fall back as she lost her breath in a deep, uncontrollable moan. As a slow, steadily rising fire began to build in her stomach, she buried her fingers in Jane's hair, wordlessly encouraging her, and began to drift on the building tension.

An eternity later, after her body had been coiled like a spring by Jane's low, hypnotic encouragements and insistent touch, Maura surrendered and shattered with her face buried against Jane's neck to muffle her soft, fretful cries. As the trembling eased, Jane slowly mapped her back with strong, careful hands until she regained her breath. For a moment Maura struggled to reach for her in return, but she felt herself slipping away as Jane's warm, comforting voice whispered—_sleep, shhh baby, sleep_—and the fatigue crept higher. Jane tugged the edge of the comforter across their bodies to tuck them in together and the last thing Maura heard as the deep languid exhaustion pulled her under was the murmured sound of her own name.

* * *

_**A/N: One more chapter to go-thank you for your kind support.**_


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Thanks very much again to everyone who read, reviewed and messaged. I know this story took a somewhat unusual path and your support was appreciated immensely. I hope you enjoy the final chapter.

* * *

When Maura woke, the clock by the bedside read nearly 1 a.m. They had fallen asleep curled in each other's arms after making love which meant that Jane would sleep straight through until the alarm, but Maura often awoke with a renewed burst of energy and used the time to catch up on reading. Tonight she carefully pressed a kiss to Jane's cheek and slipped out of bed, finding an abandoned t-shirt on the floor which she pulled on with some mismatched pajama bottoms before going downstairs.

Maura tidied the kitchen, scraping the pizza crusts into the trash and rinsing the dishes off before loading the dishwasher in as economical a manner as possible. She smiled as she saw the stack of mushrooms hiding under a napkin on the smallest plate. Although he wanted to be just like Jane in every way, Jimmy seemed determined now to try the things Maura liked too, which had led to a very brief experimentation with a slice of Portobello supreme pizza.

With plates balanced on their laps, they had piled onto the bean bag and pillows under the loft to watch videos with Jimmy snuggled between them. After several minutes Maura had finally worked up the nerve to ask the question which had been on her mind ever since the afternoon of the fight at the pool.

"Does Jimmy remind you of anyone?" she whispered

Jane had remained focused on the screen but her eyes cut over to Maura. "Yeah, look in a mirror lately?"

Maura didn't understand why her heart jumped at that but she thought it might have left an indentation on the underside of her sternum. "Do you really think so?"

"Mmm hmm." Jane leaned close, making certain that she couldn't be heard. "He looks like a little clone of you, right down to the nose. Why do you think I went head over heels for him?"

"I'm not sure about my nose."

Jane stifled a burst of laughter. "What, you're not sure it exists? Trust me, I'm looking at it and it's adorable."

"Drizzle…" Jimmy complained. "You're not watchin' the mofie."

"Sorry, buddy. I'll be quiet."

The boy cast a suspicious look back over his shoulder but settled again when Jane snugged one arm across his collarbone and pulled him close. Maura didn't risk that familiarity just yet, but the urge was becoming nearly uncontrollable and she loved it. Then she had felt a tiny warm hand wrap around her fingers and she forced herself to wait—_one postmortem trauma, two postmortem trauma, three…_—before believing that Jimmy had done it on purpose and not mistaken her for Jane.

They had remained there, all curled together in a safe, warm ball until the video looped and Jimmy dozed off with a tummy full of pizza. Jane had gently woken him and between them they had managed to get his pajamas changed, teeth brushed, and hair combed for bed, at which point he had become as wide awake as he had been when he first woke up that morning. Jane had said he could read a little more and Maura helped him pick out a book on different breeds of dogs, Korsak's contribution, that he could flip through.

That, however, had been four hours ago and as Maura walked back up the stairs she saw a thin beam of light coming from under the door of Jimmy's new room. For a moment she felt a fleeting sense of frustration that their very reasonable boundaries had been tested, but that was pushed aside instantly by the unexpected image of Jimmy lying unconscious on the floor. What if he had slipped on the ladder rungs while trying to climb down to go to the bathroom? Or simply rolled off the top of the loft, despite the built in safety railing? Rationally, Maura knew that all of these were very unlikely, but something unfamiliar was overriding her logic center and she quickly stepped to the door and opened it without even a knock. Politeness had no place here—what if something bad had happened?

Jimmy was in fact on the floor, but sitting under the loft with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a toy dinosaur in each hand. He froze, looking up at Maura with a half-cringing expression, as if he expected her to…to what? Take away his toy? Yell at him? Hit him?

"Are you all right?" Maura kept her voice low, sotto voce, as she shut the door behind her. "Do you feel sick?"

_No,_ Jimmy shook his head. His fingers had tightened around the dinosaurs and his hands crept in towards his chest protectively

_What would Jane do?_

Slowly Maura crouched down and gave her full attention to the Lego habitat he had created for the dinosaur herd, complete with a cave for sleeping and a cliff that it seemed several of them had leapt off of to their demise. She had bought the set online, adding it to the basket at Amazon's suggestion that other parents had wanted this too, and who was she to argue with an aggregated review service? The product description had promised realistic scale models of a variety of species which might be true, but she was fairly certain that triceratopses hadn't been lime green.

"Let's see—you've got a tyrannosaurus rex and a brontosaurus and a pterodactyl…which is your favorite?"

Jimmy held up the fist holding the stegosaurus.

"Why's that?"

"He's blue."

Maura nodded, eyes wide. "Blue. All right. Do you know what the spikes on the end of his tail are called?" Jimmy shook his head but his fingers crept to the tail tip, testing it. "A thagomizer."

"Thag'mizur,' he repeated. "What's this?" He put his palm over the plated spikes along the dinosaur's back ridge.

Maura had moved forward onto the cushions so she could pull her legs up as they sat together in the shelter of the loft. "Those are dermal plates. Did you know that their brains were very small?" She made a circle with thumb and forefinger, the size of a walnut. "But there's also evidence that stegosauruses lived in family herds together. There are fossils of adult footprints with babies and juveniles too...teenagers," she explained when Jimmy's eyebrows bunched at the unfamiliar word.

"Why?"

"There are survival advantages to living together in cooperation, for protection and food gathering and taking care of offspring." Jimmy stared at her, keeping the blue stegosaurus in a death grip. "It means it's easier when you help each other."

"Why don't peoples do that?"

Maura realized as he looked at her solemnly that this wasn't one of those trick questions that the other detectives asked her sometimes because they liked watching her struggle to interpret something that wasn't purely factual. (Although, she thought, that hadn't happened very much lately and she wondered if that had any connection to the bruises she had found on Jane's knuckles last Christmas which she had never sufficiently explained.) Jimmy was unconsciously chewing on the tip of the stegosaurus' spikes as he watched her with light golden hazel eyes.

"Most people do. But sometimes sad things happen and people are left alone to take care of themselves." Maura had picked up one of the other dinosaur figures, a mature brontosaurus, and moved him into the group Jimmy had huddled in front of the cave mouth. "But if they find each other, then they can make a new family."

Jimmy regarded her with undisguised interest. "You know lots about dinosaurs." Medical degrees, professional certifications and post-graduate fellowships meant nothing compared to this.

"Well," Maura smiled, "I own one."

Jimmy's mouth slowly gaped. "Where?"

"Bass! Tortoises are an ancient order of reptiles, as old as some dinosaurs." She picked up the ankylosaurus model and traced the rounded plates of its back with one finger. "Do you see how this looks like Bass' shell?  
Jimmy nodded eagerly. The stegosaurus was discarded now and he was reaching to touch the ankylosaurus, his fingers following and brushing hers. "Bass is a tortosaur."

Maura found herself utterly speechless. _A tortosaur. _It might not be remotely accurate but it was the sweetest, most beautiful thing she had ever heard and she couldn't wait to tell Jane.

As Maura searched her memory for another fun fact about dinosaurs, Jimmy pressed close against her, trying to share the bean bag with her. Maura felt something hard and solid dig into her ribs and she glanced down to see if one of the dinosaurs had gotten wedged in between them. Her eyes had finally adjusted to the dimmer light under the loft and she noticed that instead of the pajama top she had helped slip over Jimmy's head at bedtime, he seemed to be wearing something else now, much bulkier and solid.

Jane's bulletproof vest.

For a moment Maura simply stared, certain it must be a trick of the light, but the blanket he had wrapped around his shoulders had been concealing it. She saw now that the edges of the blanket were tucked into the gaping neckline of the vest so that it hung like a cape_. Of course._

For all Maura knew, Jane had told him it was all right to play with the vest or they had played a game themselves, but somehow she doubted that. Still, the last thing the boy needed was to be accused of something he hadn't done, but neither did he need to think of Jane's equipment as something to be played with. Maura had only done a handful of autopsies on children who had accidentally shot themselves, but one was too many. Jane's weapon was secure in the gun safe where she put it immediately after work each night, but they couldn't be too careful.

"Jimmy," she said quietly. "Did you borrow something from Drizzle to play with?"

He glanced down, staring himself straight in the chest, then looked up at her. "Maybe?" He was a horrible liar she realized with a faint smile. That would certainly make some things easier.

"Me too." Her fingers were plucking at the hem of Jane's shirt, the latest in a line of "Property of BPD" shirts that had made their way into her closet. She remembered the first time she had borrowed one, although it had been completely unintentional. There had been a brief period, all of a week, in which Jane hadn't mentioned their relationship to her family, which she had explained was because the Rizzolis would be so delighted at the news that she would never have Maura all to herself again.

Maura had come over Saturday night, supposedly for dinner though the takeout had been instantly forgotten on the counter until Jo Friday had gotten hungry in the middle of the night and gone after the Kung Pao chicken. When Angela let herself in unannounced the next morning, Jane had vaulted out of bed to head her mother off and come up with a good reason for Maura to have spent the night. Jane still maintained that her story would have worked if Maura hadn't accidentally put Jane's shirt on in the dark instead of her own. When she casually sauntered out to the living room, instead of being politely greeted as Jane's new friend from work whose water main had broken, she was enveloped in an enormous bear hug by her future mother-in-law and asked if she planned on hyphenating her name.

"Sometimes," Maura said with a smile, "if Drizzle has to work all night, I feel better when can wear something that belongs to her. It makes me feel safe."

Jimmy was still waiting to see if he was in trouble, but he nodded in wary agreement.

"Drizzle wears that vest when she has something very dangerous to do for work." Maura tapped the boy's chest lightly, just above one of the ceramic plates. "Like Batman has his special suit and Bass has his shell. But when she comes home, she takes it off."

Jimmy's thumbs tucked protectively under the shoulder straps. "Why does she takes it off?"

Maura wasn't certain how to explain what happened when Jane came home on that kind of day, how she would sit so quietly on the couch by herself until Maura to sit next to her and peel back the Velcro straps to lift the vest away. She would seem smaller then, vulnerable, turning into Maura with eyes confused and aching. Maura would simply slip her arms around Jane's thin shoulders, urging her to stop fighting to stay upright, to let go of the need to be strong or brave or capable. She could be as confused and hurting as she needed to be, weak even, and Maura would simply take it all in her arms.

"Because it's safe here, Jimmy," she said simply. "Armor is heavy and it's hard to wear it all the time. You get tired."

Jimmy didn't say anything but she knew somehow that he understood. He was quiet because he was listening, but she could tell she hadn't quite won him over yet. Maura thought back to the first time when Jane had come home, gaunt and beaten, from a raid gone horribly wrong. She had numbly crawled under the covers in full gear and Maura had to argue her into at least taking off the boots and vest, but what she had said worked in the end.

_Think of him as a little me… _

Maura glanced around the books lining the walls of the loft above their heads and she ran her finger along the spines until she found a full color glossy illustrated encyclopedia of insects and reptiles. Jimmy scrambled to sit beside her so he could look at the color plates as she opened the book across her lap and searched for the section on butterflies.

"This is a caterpillar. Have you seen one before?"

Jimmy nodded and traced the picture with his finger. "On d'playground. They squish easy."

Yes, Maura thought queasily, they probably did. "And so when they need to be safe, they make a hard shell like this. It's called a cocoon. They can stay inside it and nothing can get them, like Drizzle's vest."

Jimmy nodded, eyes narrowed in concentration. "That's good," he said. "Safe."

_It would seem that way,_ she thought sadly, _like the closet Jane found you hiding in._

"Well," Maura said, "for a while it is, but then it's time for them to move again, so they take off their shell and…" She turned the page with a flourish to reveal the orange and ebony glory of a mature Monarch butterfly.

Maura decided to save the speech on adaptive evolution and Müllerian mimicry until Jimmy was a little older. A small jolt of adrenaline flushed her heart as she thought of enrolling him in school, buying notebooks and mechanical pencils and little backpacks, doing homework together, field trips to the planetarium or maybe the Smithsonian for a special weekend, and…_the science fair_.

"Whoa," Jimmy breathed. "He got wings."

"And now he can fly and go anywhere he wants, even away from danger. That's even better than hiding."

Maura had never said it directly, but in so many ways she had been living in a cocoon before she had met Jane. Her transformation had completed years before but she had been stuck inside, pinned under glass, until Jane had shattered her cool, sterile, sheltered world to let in air, disease, death but also life. She had a life now, _this_ life, and it was beautiful.

"Like a bat," Jimmy declared.

"Well…bats are mammals and, well, they don't…yes," Maura surrendered at the crestfallen look on his face, "like a bat."

Jimmy stifled a yawn with one hand and Maura felt it begin to infect her. She needed to find a way to coax him to bed, and if nothing else marriage had taught her that the quickest way to lull Jane to sleep was to read something out loud.

"How about a story?" Maura proposed. "I like to read before bed." Before bed, Jane would tease her, in bed, after bed, anytime except during sex itself, and there had been that time she had left a copy of _The Modern_ _Kama Sutra_ open on the nightstand for quick reference. "Do you want to pick out a book?"

Jimmy scrambled to his feet, stepping on his blanket cape as he searched the shelves. When he flopped back beside her, he had a hardback picture book in both hands.

"But," Maura suggested, "since we're safe in the Batcave now, could you take off the vest for a little while? I think it'll be easier for you to sit next to me so we can both see the pictures."

_Trust me. Please, trust me, sweetheart. I'll never let anything bad happen to you again, not while I'm here._

Jimmy chewed his lip for a moment, cast a longing look at the book, and then began to tug at the Velcro strap running across the chest plate. It was far too large to fit snugly, but Maura let him work at it on his own for a moment then wordlessly helped lift the vest over his head and slid her arm around his shoulders in its place. Jimmy nestled beside her as close as he could, his head in the crook of her neck, and began pawing at the pages until he found the start of the story.

"_Stellaluna_," Maura read, finding her voice. "In a warm and sultry forest far, far away, there once lived a mother fruit bat and her new baby. Oh how Mother Bat loved her new baby. 'I'll name you Stellaluna,' she crooned. Each night Mother Bat would carry Stellaluna clutched to her breast as she flew out to search for food…"

* * *

Maura had no idea how much time had passed before she came out of her light doze at the sound of Jane's approaching feet. As Jane dropped to hands and knees to peer under the edge of the loft, Maura put one finger to her lips and indicated Jimmy's comatose form curled against her. He had nearly made it through a second reading of _Stellaluna_ before drifting off with his head lolling against her. Gently, Maura had folded him in close to her chest, the way Jane held her when they napped on the couch on rainy afternoons, and made a cradle of her own body.

He had slept peacefully except for the onset of a bad dream an hour before. She had woken instantly as he began to whimper and twitch against her, but Maura knew just what to do, well-trained by Jane's periodic nightmares. She had run her fingers through the boy's hair, humming and soothing him back to sleep until the shivering stopped and he settled even further into her, his fingers clutching her shirt.

"I can't get up," she whispered.

"Yeah, I can see that." Jane grinned and Maura felt as though the sun had risen in the room, pulsing its heat and light against her skin. "Are you OK?"

"We're fine. He's been out for hours. I'm just afraid he'll wake up with a crick in his neck."

"Why?" Jane asked innocently. "He's got two very supportive pillows there."

Maura narrowed her eyes and glared but Jane simply grinned even more broadly. She crouched down inside the loft and slipped her arms under Jimmy's shoulders and knees, neatly pulling him against her, then stood with impossible grace. The boy barely stirred, mouth open and one arm flopped out artlessly.

Maura followed, pulling back the bed clothes for Jane as she gingerly set Jimmy down on the mattress. As Jane tucked the covers up and then pushed all the scattered toys back under the loft to clear a path for the morning, Maura gently loosened Jimmy's hold on the ankylosaurus and set it on the stack of comic books next to his reading lamp.

Jimmy began to stir then, slipping in and out of a groggy haze. "Mmm'hmmm," he groaned. He was clutching at his pillow and fretting in a way which made Maura worry that he was on the verge of waking again. She motioned for Jane who quickly moved back beside her at the edge of the loft for a final tuck in.

"G'night, little man," Jane whispered, rubbing his back. She pressed the night light and the room filled with a soft, shadowed glow. Jimmy had settled somewhat but his fingers clutched at Maura's sleeve. He continued squirming in his sleep, murmuring even more loudly now in broken half-sentences, until Maura kissed his forehead. Instantly, he let out a deep, contented sigh and his fingers relaxed their grip and slipped away.

Jane took Maura's hand as they backed up on tip-toe, one step at a time with held breath until they eased out the door. The five steps down the hall to their bedroom felt longer than a mile to Maura. Her head was spinning and something indescribable was bubbling up inside, lifting her heart into her throat. The only emotion she had ever felt which was even remotely as powerful was the moment she had fallen in love with Jane and the universe itself unfolded inside her heart.

Jane was grinning as she shut the door carefully so they could speak in more than whispers. "So...are you OK with this? It doesn't get any more attached than that."

Maura could only nod, eyes shining. "Yes, oh my God, yes. We'll call the caseworker first thing."

"Right," Jane said, then, "No. Wait, soundproofing first, then caseworker." She had taken Maura in her arms, pulling her close until her toes nearly left the floor.

"But you really heard him?" Maura asked. "I wasn't imagining? He actually said my _name_." She had one hand to her mouth, though there was no reason to hide her smile. "When I tried to leave, he held on and he said my name. He's never done that before, Jane."

Jane's expression shifted at that, moving from the mutual excitement to something hesitant and vulnerable. Gently she loosened her embrace so she could look down at Maura. "I don't…that's not exactly what..."

"He said 'Stay Maura'. Well, that and something about bats."

Jane was nodding carefully, the way she did when she was about to disagree as gently as possible. "No, hon, listen…"

At that, Maura felt her heart stutter and stumble, tripping over her own desire as the familiar disappointment rose up within. Jane who was so kind to her, who might tease her gently but who would never lie to her, was trying to break this to her as kindly as possible. Maura realized with sickening clarity that yet again she had allowed herself to hope, just for a moment, that she had been accepted, but still after all these years nothing had really changed. She was still, at best, Maura the Bore-a who could put people to sleep with her droning scientific facts.

"I-I'm sorry," Maura whispered. "I thought...my name." She refused to raise her eyes even when she felt Jane's fingertips under her chin. Her balance shifted suddenly then as Jane sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled Maura onto her lap.

"Listen to me." At the sound of Jane's voice, uneven and on the verge of tears, Maura finally looked up and found to her surprise that Jane had begun to cry. "I love you and you're a genius, but you need your hearing checked. He didn't…he…" Jane swallowed hard through her tears. "He said _Mommy_."

The End

* * *

A/N: If I had been there

…the day you saw your parents die

…when you were finally found amidst the soda cans and potato chip wrappers

…when they drew straws to see who had to take you, each hoping it would fall to someone else

I would have said, "That one—him—that's the one I want. Your heart is locked because secretly you know he was meant for me."

I chose you then before we ever met; I choose you now, each and every day—you are mine.


End file.
